Where's the beef?

Luke posted this link on his site a day ago, but I had to get in on the action. This is too funny to be serious, yet by all appearances.... it is. So, being a dutiful English major I feel it is my duty to offer an analysis of this rancid meat fest masquerading as erotica.

The first thing that struck me as appaling about this piece is the rampant association between women's bodies and bloody steaks. Perhaps I've been reading too much feminist criticism lately, but if I've learned anything from certain classes this year is that it is my right- nay, my duty! to read too much into things. Anyways, the steak thing. All the signs point in the same direction: hot, moist, juicy, available.

What kind of restaurant is this? In house masseuse, what? Am I the only one who thought of Mel's diner when they read this, complete with a fat cook in a stained t-shirt shouting "Cindy! Yer order's up!" (heh heh... "up")? Apart from being blatantly sexist, this fantasy has no base in reality! I know, I know, "But it's a fantasy! It doesn't have to be realistic!" Well, doesn't that make it a fantasy, that it might actually happen? He may as well have not pretended that this was a restaurant and just come right out and said "Whorehouse," or at the very least, "gentleman's club". It's like when Ebert criticized "The Transporter 2" for being impossible. Escapism is one thing, but come on.

So now to the list let's also add poorly structured. Adding the phrase "But, not yet" to the end of a paragraph somehow fails to heighten the erotic tension. Not to mention it's over used. You know, I'm just going to drop my own pretence of analyzing the structure. There are some terrible sentences in this thing. "Oh this is fucking heaven." Heh..... heh heh... for real? For other examples, see the entire story.

And now my conscience is nagging at me. "Quit being cruel, Andrew! This guy obviously put his heart and soul into this expose on his love for meat of all varieties," it says to me reprimandingly. "You ain't so hot yourself," it adds. "True," I point out. "All true." But still... I just can't read a sentence like "It's cooked just the way I want it because it's really not" without thinking "Ooo.... ye-ouch."

The comments left on this post are hilarious also (ie/ "Wow. Damn. Damn."). I wonder if this guy is an advertising exec. for the beef industry, trying to drum up business. Why not? The beer companies have been doing it for years!


Turned on yet? I need me a hooker!

As a respected colleague pointed out last night, "You'd thing erotica on the internet would have to try harder because it's a more competative market." Guess not.

I feel like I need a shower from all that creeping rusty meat. Bleagh....