Written while listening to 'Get Behind Me Satan' at high volumes

[A park. It is late at night, or early in the morning. There is a lamp post, a bench, and a path leading into the background. A medium sized tree is behind the bench. From the path comes a police officer. She has been on foot patrol for many hours and is very tired. Her shift is almost over. She examines the bench longingly. After a moment of doing so, she looks around and seeing no one there, leans against the lamp post with a sigh of relief. She kicks her feet against the ground to wake them up and get the blood flowing. As she is doing this, the sound of an aluminum can being kicked is heard offstage. She stands up quickly and assumes an "official" pose. A young homeless man enters carrying a shopping bag and a ratty backpack. He sees the cop and quickly examines his conscience. Finding it clean enough he sits down on the bench, arranges his belongings on the ground, and puts his feet up on the seat next to him, stretching out.]

Cop: You can't sleep here.

Man: I'm not going to.

Cop: Take your feet off the bench please.

[Pause.]

Man: Why?

Cop: You'll have to take your feet off the bench, sir.

Man: I'm not sure I really have to.

Cop: You can't sleep here.

Man: I wasn't going to.

Cop: Sir.

Man: Yes?

Cop: Take your feet off the bench now sir.

Man: I'm pretty sure there's no law against putting your feet up on a public bench. I mean, I might be mistaken.

Cop: I've told you three times now that you can't sleep here.

Man: I'm really not that tired.

Cop: Sir, do not test me.

Man: "Test you"? Ma'am I mean this with all possible respect; What the hell is your problem?

Cop: Do not swear at me sir.

Man: "Hell" hasn't been a swear word since the 40's.

Cop: You are addressing an officer of the law.

Man: So what? I don't want to get off on a whole "you work for me" trip, but answer me one question. Will you answer me one question?

Cop: Sir...

Man: One question is all I ask.

Cop: [After a pause] Fine.

Man: Is there a law against putting your feet up on a public bench?

Cop: There is a law against sleeping in a public park.

Man: Then we have no problem, because I'm not tired.

[The man makes himself comfortable. After a moment he reaches into his bag and pulls out a newspaper. Unfolding it, he pulls it over himself like a blanket.]

Cop: [imploringly] Sir.

Man: I'm wide awake.

Cop: Take that off.

Man: Where's the law?

Cop: As soon as I leave, you're going to fall asleep.

Man: No, I don't think so.

Cop: Come on. [As she would to a friend] Get lost.

Man: Did you just say "get lost?" A cop- oh, I'm sorry, an officer just said "get lost?" [he laughs] That's- that's "rich," that's what that is.

Cop: What's so funny?

Man: I don't know. You look tired.

Cop: Well, I can't sit down, can I?

Man: I'll move my feet if you want to.

Cop: No thanks.

Man: Who's going to know?

Cop: You are.

Man: Yeah, I've got the telling look to me, don't I? Why I'd probably run right over to your station and tell the staff sergeant that you were napping on the job! Just sit down, will you?

Cop: I'd prefer to stand.

[Pause]

Man: Liar.

[Pause]

Man: Can I see your gun?

Cop: Sir, do not ask me that again.

Man: Ok. Sorry. Can I get arrested for that?

Cop: It implies a direct threat, sir.

Man: Even though I'm all the way over here? And you're all the way over there?

Cop: Sir, this is your final warning.

[The man makes a gesture of zipping his lips shut. Pause]

Man: You're nice. [No response] I was happy when they stopped using the 'Safe & Secure' guards. Those guys look like gorillas. The guys who didn't make the real police because they weren't quite smart enough. Couldn't figure out how the pepperspray was supposed to work or something. [imitating] "Sir, I have to inform you that I have the authority to call the police, and there is a payphone RIGHT OVER THERE, SIR!"

[Cop stifles a laugh. She pretends to cough.]

Man: Does anyone listen to those guys?

Cop: [She considers] Generally no.

Man: Exactly! Cut out the middle man! Power to the police!

Cop: I suppose you think you're being ironic, sir?

Man: I wouldn't presume. Do you really want me to take my feet off the bench?

Cop: I would greatly appreciate that, sir.

[Pause]

Man: Alright.

[He puts his feet on the ground.]

***The End***