Guidance Counsellor

I feel a bit like Kip sometimes.



I just used various forms of glorious technology to have my first ever webcam chat with my Paw. Life is grand, ain't it?

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Anyway, not unlike the late James Brown, I feel good (buh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh)! So in that spirit I'm going to decide everyone's future for them. You are all getting jobs, my friends, and I am going to give them to you, doling out careers like your uncle doles out scotch mints when you go to visit him as a child. Though I do not smell like Brut cologne (a smell I will forever associate with my Uncle Tom).

So here we go!

Angelo: Philosopher King. Not to put too much pressure on you, but if there's anyone who I would trust to guide our troubled people in this troubled time, it's you. And if you don't want the job, various sources say that that only makes you a stronger candidate.

Sam Burns: World-Famous photographer. I can picture you wearing a head-scarf and documenting famous events, peoples, and locales. You will be more influential than Annie Liebowitz.

Liz: Pundit. Like Colbert, only more straightforward. None of this "acting ridiculous to prove a point." You'll just smack sense into people. Sometimes literally, sometimes with a well-placed witticism.

Jenny: Entertainer. Working in a similar capacity to Angelo, you shall be our centre when we spin away. Also, SPECTACLE!

Kayla: DJ. I'm trusting that you'll be able to overthrow the torrent of horrible morning radio shows and awful contests, etc. to actually get some decent music and hilarious content on the air. If it's anything like the times we hosted Luke's show for him, I want in.

Nessa: Random hilarity generator. This is a real job, I swear. You just seem to have really good ideas, be it in the form of a sexy Christmas photoshoot, new and exciting hair colours, or chronicling an entire day in Willisville.

Luke: Travelling Folk Singer. You will be like a cross between Bob Dylan and a people version of The Littlest Hobo, travelling from place to place, helping people, singing songs, getting into all kinds of wacky mischief!

Erica: Sexy Librarian/Secret Weapons Designer. The explanation is clear, really.

Natalie "Natty-Pants" Longarini: You will shape the young ones into a group of fully functioning group of intelligent adults, capable of doing things like being kind to one another, and having a sense of humour.

Steph: Olympic Biathalon Gold Medalist/Real life alpine assassin. Honestly, this is just an amazing idea. For so many reasons.

Jay: Reporter/B Movie Actor. Or both, really! Either way, you'll sweep the dames off their feet!

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I know I'm forgeting people but I just completely blanked. Crap! I know there are more people.... Just give me some time and I'll get 'em!

Hope you like your new jobs, everyone! You can thank me for taking the pressure off anytime.