Don't "Axe" Me! WHA HA HA!

I'm watching a French slasher film call "High Tension," which is driving home the point that, while French films are generally thought of as deep, thought provoking, romantic or whimsical, they are just as capable of delivering something every bit as insipid as "Saw."

Well, maybe not AS insipid. "Saw" was pretty terrible.

Here's the pitch: A French, Brendan Gleason-ish type jumpsuit man murders the fuck out a pleasant French family, leaving only their daughter's house guest (who possesses an uncanny knowledge of what a serial killer would look for when entering a farmhouse) alive.

To be fair, it is pretty tense at times. But when you think about what is causing the tension, it all evaporates. Also, the subtitles are taking a lot away from it. For example, putting subtitles like "Marie! Where did you run off to?" when the characters is clearly just yelling "Marie! Marie! MARIE!" is taking just a few too many liberties with translation.

The killing is coming off a little gratuitous, though I suppose this IS a slasher flick... but it's much more impacting when you have a relationship with the slash/hackee. These characters don't live long enough to become developed. Is there such a thing as character-infanticide?

You see? This movie is educational! I did NOT know that you can hold your breath, in circumstances of extreme physical and emotional stress no less, for over two minutes!

The protagonist won't stop smiling! Something terrible is going to pop out of the last stall in this seedy rest station bathroom! (I was totally wrong! Oh snap!)

Lesson learned: Hanging up on the State Police (which for some reason exists in France) is a good idea, providing that they sass you first.

Wait a second... the protagonist is a modern woman who doesn't own a cell phone and still kicks ass! I think I found a role model for Jenny!

It is also entirely possible to safely drive down an unpaved country road with no headlights on. Wait! Why does that French car have the Confederate flag on the rear license plate?

Another lesson: Major arterial wounds are best staunched with an old rag you found in a serial killer's greenhouse.

Having a flashlight shone directly on your face in the dark forest does not necessarily mean that the killer has seen you. On a related note, having plastic held over your mouth for upwards of a minute will not make you lose consciousness.

How did he know she was a lesbian?

French "State" police don't find it suspicious when a gas station door is unlocked in the middle of the night. Is the standard procedure when finding an axe murdered body to "Call the DA"? And I seriously doubt any self respecting French person has ever used the phrase "We got ourselves a homicide."

Wait... what?

HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! That is WAY better than a chainsaw!

I'll come back for the last ten minutes later.