Flash in the Pan

How much longer are we going to have to hear about Jessica Simpson? I just made the grievous error of downloading a music video for her new cover of "These Boots are Made For Walkin'" thinking to myself, "Hey, sweet! Nancy Sinatra made a video for this song? Awesome!" How wrong and disappointed I was.

Not only was the song a horribly poppy, country tinged car wreck including such awful lines as "Can I get a yee-haw?" she had to go and drag poor Willie Nelson into the mix. When she announces "Willie Nelson everybody!" I was supreme surprised to not see people in the background look at each other and say "who?" Guaranteed that not one of those people even knows who Willie Nelson is. Throughout the video Jessica parades around a well-lit "seedy" bar with a beer bottle on a tray. Clearly the bottle is glued on. No bottle can withstand the number of gyrations that she attempted without trying to commit suicide off the side of that tray. Dear god, let the poor bottle die with dignity! It's soiled enough just by appearing next to Jessica Simpson! The whole time she was so awkwardly bouncing her body around it was like watching a two year old saying "I can count to 10! I can count to 10! I can count to 10! Ready? Watch! Watch! Are you watching? Ready? 1, 2, 4, 7, 10!" And then her audience applauds wildly, screaming for more. "Look at my tits! Look at them! Go on! Check out my ass! It's so sexy! Here, I'll put it in a bikini for you! Look at my tits! They're huge! You want to fuck me, don't you? Well, you can't because I'm married, silly! Tee-hee! LOOK AT MY TITS!!!"

How much longer are people like this going to be celebrated in the media? "Newlyweds"? Give me a break. Let's watch a D-list pseudo-celebrity whine her way through life and then recieve national glorification for it, while her equally pseudo-famous husband shakes his head and wonders why the hell he married her. Oh yeah! So her could sleep with her! It all falls into place now! The most irritating thing is that kids who say that this type of thing is stupid are labelled as being "Just jealous." Right. Everyone should want to be a whiny, spoiled idiot. Oh, but she's not stupid! She just acts that way to get what she wants. And simultaneouly sets the Woman's rights movement back to the stone age. "Ricky, why are you shouting at me? Waaaaaaaahh!"

I'm sure I'll suffer from some sort of backlash at the hands of Jessica's creepy manager/father Joe "Ash-who?" Simpson, who just may be more insufferable than his insipid daughter. He said in a Rolling Stone interview that when September 11th happened it didn't just destroy the Twin Towers, it also destroyed Jessica's career, because no one wanted to listen to pop/dance music. I-....What-.... How-.... HOW CAN HE SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT? Cry me a river and then throw yourself in it. He's one of the most aggressive, off-putting people I've ever heard of. Every time I see anything about him, it's "Jessica's a star! She should be allowed to do anything she wants!", "I'm a father first and a manager second", "She's got double-D's! You can't cover those sucker's up!" Shudder. Shudder shudder SHUDDER!!!

I'm so glad that I don't have cable or any real connection with the pop-music scene, because this is the sort of stuff that I'd be exposed to on a daily, nay, hourly basis. I wish to GOD ON HIGH that this stupid business wasn't all about money so maybe we could get some quality programming on the air instead of this drivel.

Luckily, following this horrible ordeal, I was able to reach out with trembling hands, place a Bjork album in the CD player and lose myself in some real music by a real musician as well as a real woman.