Anything You Like - A Farce by Andrew Root

[A living room. Cathy reads on a couch while Maggie sits in a chair, bored. A stereo plays. Cathy is 36 years old. Maggie is 13.]

Cathy. Can you turn that down?

Maggie. Do you not like it?

Cathy. It's not that. It's just a bit too loud.

Maggie. Sorry.

Cathy. It's okay.

Maggie. I can change it if you want.

Cathy. No, it's fine. I'm just trying to read.

Maggie. Sorry.

Cathy. [sigh] For what?

Maggie. I don't know.

Cathy. Look, it's not a big deal. I was just trying to read and I couldn't quite concentrate.

Maggie. I don't want to disturb you.

Cathy. You're NOT!

Maggie. Are you mad at me?

Cathy. No!

[pause. Maggie turns off the stereo.]

Cathy. Why did you do that?

Maggie. It's bugging you.

Cathy. Fine.

Maggie. Sorry.

Cathy. Why don't you read something?

Maggie. Like what?

Cathy. I don't know. A book.

Maggie. Can you pick one for me?

Cathy. I guess. What do you like?

Maggie. I don't know.

Cathy. What sort of stuff have you read?

Maggie. I don't know.

Cathy. Can you give me a clue?

Maggie. [mumble]

Cathy. Okay. How about this?

Maggie. What is it?

Cathy. It's a book by George Orwell called 1984. It's about the future.

Maggie. Like Star Wars?

Cathy. Not exactly. Do you know what "distopian" means?

[Maggie shakes her head]

Cathy. Do you know what "utopian" means?

[Maggie shakes her head]

Cathy. Do you know what "Fruitopia" is?

Maggie. [nodding, not getting the joke] The juice?

Cathy. Never mind. Distopia is the opposite of utopia which is kind of like paradise.

Maggie. I don't know.

Cathy. Okay, we'll pick something else. Do you like those old Charlie Brown cartoons?

Maggie. I'm not a baby.

Cathy. I didn't say you were.

[Maggie chews a fingernail]

Cathy. I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it.

Maggie. Whatever.

Cathy. You don't have to read you know. You could do anything.

Maggie. Like what?

Cathy. Anything. Want to watch tv?

Maggie. There's nothing on.

Cathy. How do you know? You didn't even turn on the tv.

Maggie. It's Sunday.

Cathy. [pause] So?

Maggie. Sorry.

Cathy. [getting agitated] What for? There's nothing to be sorry for. Don't say you're sorry if there's nothing to be sorry for.

Maggie. Geez...

Cathy. I'm sorry.

Maggie. What for?

Cathy. Well, I'm going to try to finish this chapter. What are you going to do?

Maggie. I don't know.

Cathy. [sighs, puts down book] Do you want to play a game?

[Maggie shrugs]

Cathy. Yes? No?

[Maggie shrugs, then nods almost imperceptibly]

Cathy. Do you want to play Scrabble? Or Battleship? Clue?

[Maggie shrugs]

Cathy. Clue?

[Maggie shrugs]

Cathy. Do you want to play Clue?

[No response]

Cathy. Do you want to play Clue? Or not?

[No response]

Cathy. All I want is a yes or a no. Just a yes or a no. If you want to then we'll play, but if you don't then we'll do something else. What do you think? Do you want to play? Do you want to play the game?

[Maggie shrugs]

Cathy. We don't have to.

Maggie. It's okay.

Cathy. Alright then. Who do you want to be? Ms. Scarlett? Mr. Green?

Maggie. Colonel Mustard.

Cathy. I like him too.

Maggie. You can be him if you want to.

Cathy. No, that's alright. I'll be Professor Plum.

Maggie. I don't have to be him.

Cathy. You're the Colonel and I'm the Professor, ok?

Maggie. Who goes first?

Cathy. I think Ms. Scarlett always goes first, but no one's playing her so I guess we could roll?

Maggie. Okay. [Maggie rolls a 2. Cathy rolls a 1]

Cathy. Whew! That was close.

Maggie. Can I move diagonally?

Cathy. I don't think so.

Maggie. Do you know?

Cathy. Not really. Why don't we play it that way this time?

[pause. Maggie rolls and moves her piece, not moving diagonally.]

Maggie. I didn't make it to the room. Your turn.

Cathy. Why didn't you move diagonally? I thought we were going to play it that way.

[Maggie shrugs]

Cathy. We don't have to play this you know.

Maggie. Fine.

Cathy. What fine? You don't want to play?

Maggie. [shrugs] Doesn't matter.

[pause]

Maggie. Is there anything to eat?

Cathy. Are you hungry?

[Maggie shrugs]

Cathy. I could make us a snack. Do you want a sandwich?

Maggie. I guess.

Cathy. What kind of sandwich do you want?

Maggie. I don't know what we have.

Cathy. Why don't I just make something? I'll just make something and you can have it if you want.

Maggie. 'K.

[pause]

Cathy. Is there anything at all you feel like? At all?

Maggie. Never mind.

Cathy. Don't be like that.

Maggie. Like what?

Cathy. You know what I mean.

Maggie. I'm not being like anything.

Cathy. You know what I mean.

Maggie. [quietly] No I don't.

Cathy. What?

Maggie. I didn't say anything!

Cathy. Just forget it.

Maggie. Fine.

[pause. Cathy sits.]

Maggie. Aren't you going to read?

Cathy. No. I don't really want to anymore.

Maggie. Well what are you going to do?

Cathy. I don't know. Maybe I'll go for a walk.

Maggie. Bye.

Cathy. Do you want to come?

Maggie. I don't know.

Cathy. We could go to the store.

Maggie. What for?

Cathy. I don't know. Just to look around.

Maggie. But why?

Cathy. We don't have to. We could do anything!

[No response]

Cathy. What do you want to do?

Maggie. I don't know.

Cathy. You don't know?

Maggie. Not really.

[Enter Herb. He is 42 years old.]

Herb. Hey guys. [Herb kisses Cathy and sits on the couch] What's going on?

Cathy. Well, we were just deciding if we should go to the store.

Herb. Oh yeah? And what's at the store?

Cathy. We were going to go just to look around. Did you want to come?

Herb. Oh, no thanks. I'm kind of tired.

[Maggie exits without speaking]

Herb. What's up with her?

Cathy. I don't know.

Herb. Are you alright?

Cathy. No. Not really, no.

Herb. What's going on?

Cathy. I'm not sure.

Herb. What happened?

Cathy. I don't know!

Herb. Okay, okay.

Cathy. You're not mad at me are you?

Herb. Am I mad at you? No. Why? Should I be?

Cathy. I don't know.

Herb. Did you want to go to the store? I'll go with you.

Cathy. You don't want to.

Herb. I could go. We need some things.

Cathy. We don't have to go.

Herb. But we could go.

[pause]

Herb. Are you okay?

[Cathy shrugs]

Herb. Do you want some food?

Cathy. No. I'm fine.

Herb. Okay.

[pause. Maggie re-enters]

Maggie. Are we going to the store?

Cathy. Would you like to?

Maggie. [shrugs] I guess.

Cathy. Okay then! I'll get my keys.

Herb. Can you pick up some lightbulbs?

Cathy. Are you not going to come?

Herb. No, I think I'll just stay here.

Maggie. We don't have to go.

Herb. I don't mind. You guys have a good time.

Maggie. We don't have to go and leave you here.

Cathy. That's right. We could keep you company if you'd like.

Herb. No, it's fine. Go. Have fun.

Cathy. Are you sure?

Herb. Positive.

Cathy. Because we could stay if you'd like.

Herb. Just go, ok?

Maggie. Are you mad at us?

Herb. No.

[Maggie leaves suddenly. A slamming door is heard. Herb sighs.]

Cathy. What happened?

Herb. She thinks I'm mad at her.

Cathy. Are you?

Herb. No!

Cathy. Are you mad at me?

Herb. NO!

[pause]

Cathy. What's the matter?

Herb. Nothing's the matter!

Cathy. Okay.

Herb. What happened before I got home?

Cathy. We were talking, that's all.

Herb. What were you talking about?

Cathy. Nothing really.

Herb. Nothing at all?

Cathy. Not really.

Herb. Then what happened?

Cathy. Are you alright? You seem snippy.

Herb. I don't mean to be snippy. [pause] I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be snippy if I was.

Cathy. It's okay.

Herb. I'm just asking.

Cathy. I was just trying to see if she wanted to do anything.

Herb. What did you say?

Cathy. I didn't SAY anything!

Herb. What's wrong?

Cathy. There's nothing wrong!

Herb. What did you say?

Cathy. I just told her she could do anything she likes!

Herb. Okay. And what did she say?

Cathy. She said she didn't want to do anything.

Herb. She did?

Cathy. She didn't really say anything.

[Maggie enters and sits down in the chair, her legs tucked up}

Herb. Hi Sweetie.

Maggie. Hi.

Herb. Did you want something to eat?

[Maggie shrugs]

Herb. Did you want to go to the store?

[Maggie shrugs]

Herb. You don't have to, you know.

Maggie. I know.

Cathy. Sweetie, are you alright?

Maggie. Yes.

Cathy. Really?

Herb. She said she is.

Cathy. Don't-

[pause]

Herb. I'm sorry.

Maggie. Are you fighting?

Herb. No, we're not.

Cathy. We're fine, sweetie.

Herb. We're just fine.

[pause]

Maggie. Can we go out for dinner?

Herb. Sure thing, sweetie. Where do you want to go?

[Maggie shrugs, with a smile]

Herb. How about pizza?

[Maggie shrugs, with a smile and nods]

Herb. Ok. I'll grab my wallet. [Herb puts his hand on Maggie's shoulder as he passes]

Cathy. Can we really afford to be eating out all the time?

Herb. Well, we're not eating out all the time. We're just going out now.

Cathy. It's just expensive.

Maggie. We don't have to go.

Cathy. No, no, honey. We'll go.

Maggie. You don't want to go.

Cathy. No, I do. I do. We'll go. [pause] We'll go.

Herb. Are you sure?

Cathy. Yes. We'll go. It'll be nice.

Herb. Ok then. We'll go. [Herb exits.]

Cathy. Does that sound like fun, sweetie?

Maggie. I guess.

Cathy. Well we don't have to go if you don't want to.

Maggie. It doesn't matter.

Cathy. Why don't you run to the washroom before we go?

[Maggie shrugs and exits. Herb enters with his wallet]

Herb. All set?

Cathy. She doesn't want to go.

Herb. What?

Cathy. She doesn't want to go. I asked her and she said it didn't matter.

Herb. It was her idea.

Cathy. I know!

[Maggie re-enters]

Herb. Hey sweetie. You don't want to go?

Maggie. [a little stunned.] I want to go. [Maggie looks at Cathy & Herb] Do you guys want to go?

Herb. Yeah, let's go!

Cathy. I suppose so.

Maggie. Well we don't have to.

Herb. Let's go. Come on, honey.

Maggie. Are you sure?

Herb. Yep. Off we go! [Cathy silently gathers her purse]

Maggie. Really?

Herb. Yep! Here we go! Okay? Honey?

Cathy. Okay. Anything you like.

[Cathy exits.]

Maggie. Is she alright?

Herb. She's fine. Want to go?

Maggie. Is she mad at me?

Herb. [joking] No. I think she's mad at me.

Maggie. [not getting it] Are you fighting?

Herb. Sweetie, I was kidding.

Maggie. Really?

Herb. Yeah, no problem.

Maggie. Promise?

Herb. Promise. Let's go. Pizza!

Maggie. Okay.

[Cathy re-enters]

Cathy. Are you coming?

Herb. Yep, we're on our way!

Cathy. [laughs] I thought maybe you weren't!

Herb. No, we're right behind you, right Sweetie?

Maggie. Yeah. Right behind you.

Cathy. Ok then! Off we go!

Herb. Off we go!

Maggie. [at the same time] Off we go.

[Cathy, Maggie, & Herb exit. Curtain.]