This is witty and profound and you love it.: February 2009

Look! It's my friends in a commercial!

Below, ye shall find a RayBans commercial. In that commercial ye shall see a man with an enormous ice cream cone on a promenade. At one point he sits on a bench next to a couple. The couple are my friends Ashley and Kyle! They are all like "Whaaa?! What's up with the giant cone, man?" But before they can get an answer, he is gone.

Yay friends! Hooray for the famousest people I know!

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Not quite "live" coverage.

Wow I get to actually watch it this year!

Aww, when will people stop asking about Mickey Rourke's dog? Poor guy's obviously choked up about it.

I kind of wanted Robert Downey Jr to beat the hell out of Ben Mulrooney.... I'm disappointed.

Wow, Anne Hathaway looks fantastic! Out of the two Best Actress nominees I've seen this year, she's my favourite.

I will murder you, Ben Mulrooney. I will murder your fake tan.

Aww, look how Marion Cotillard doesn't quite understand the questions she's being asked.

Hee hee hee, Angelina Jolie's wearing Minnie Mouse.

Kate Winslet's purty... and she seems like such a nice person!

Oh for god's sake... "Brad and Angelina." Why is it so hard to say their two separate names?

Yay! I have no idea what Hugh Jackman is going to do! Wait- twenty-eight minutes left? What the hell are they doing? Oh for.... STOP TALKING ABOUT FASHION! NO ONE CARES!

"Har de har har" moment: The Oscar pre-show ends and "Stargate: The Ark of the Covenant" begins!

I'm suspicious that the show has started and I'm mired in these damnable pre-shows.

"The lack of concern for Jerry Lewis is shocking" may be the best 'Red Carpet' comment from an entertainment show host ever.

Ok, they say the show's starting now, but I've fallen for that bef- oh... it's a Canesten commercial. Great. Now I won't be able to stop thinking about yeast infections all night.

"Frank Langella was sitting right next to me" is a great lyric that needs to be put into a real song.

Best tribute The Reader could hope for. Seriously, that's all it should get. Also, I need the lyrics to that song.

Did Michel Gondry design this opening number?

This attempt to blend seamlessly into the show seems to have bewildered everyone!

Is this love fest how they're going to do all the nominees? This show is going to take forever! I want clips!

Seriously? No examples of why the actors were nominated? Yeah, you're right. We don't need to see that.

Tina Fey and Steve Matin are a good combination!

Nuts, I was hoping the near silent film would win best screenplay

Don't they always do screenplays late in the evening? Maybe they just skipped everything else to save time!

Jennifer Aniston walked on stage. Everyone in the world just crossed their fingers for a cat fight.

"And now... all the cartoons that weren't good enough!"

That guy just thanked his pencil! Why did no one laugh until the Styx reference?

You know who's not very believable? Penelope Cruz in this Maybelline commercial.

Oh, I just now got the concept of the show! Then why did they do Supporting Actress first?

They seem to pick a few choice categories to focus on every year. Apparently this year it is Supporting Actresses.

I wonder when the Academy stopped trusting the presenters to read the names of the nominees live...

VAMPIRE!

And there it is... the closest High School Musical will ever get to an Oscar. Ever. You can write it down. No one associated with High School Musical will EVER win an Oscar.

Is Hugh Jackman going to end every segment with "They don't just (insert profession here), they make movies"?

Ok, cinema guy... get to the point, stop marveling at the banter. ps, your middle name is "Dod"

hahaha, oh Jessica Biel, you're right! All actors, directors, producers, animators, cinematographers, don't know jack about film technology!

They just promised "Two of the top young movie stars of 2008." If they mean Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens, I'm going to lose it.

2 digs against The Reader so far! And counting!

Wow, good call Oscars. Pot just MIGHT make the Reader watchable!

Way to hit those cues in the musical numbers, guys...

This tux and red dress number shouldn't make me think of a minstrel show... but it really is.

I prefer Rudolf Nureyev's version of this song from the Muppet show. And he couldn't sing. And that's saying something.

Coming up next: we give Heath Ledger an Oscar!

Joel Grey? Really? Neat-o!

Nice beanie, Phillip!

Oh Cuba.... oh man.... oh that's awful... that was wrong on a lot of levels.

If they play off Heath's family... that would be truly unforgivable.

Ag! Werner Herzog! Run for it!

Coin tricks! Chin balancing! Yes! The Oscars need more of this guy right here!!

Yep, spending hours rendering computer animation is JUST like listening to the Hives!

Combo: Coolest entrance + Geekiest smile = Will Smith

Another disappointing WALL*E loss! What the hell, man? On a movie that was nothing BUT sound design, this one should have got a little more recognition

Will Smith: "Hey dawg! It's a pleasure for you to meet me! How y'all doin? Will Smith. You know me."

This is history? This sound mixing award? How is this history? Will someone eventually explain that?

Goddammit Will Smith... goddammit...

I like how the Slumdog Millionaire cast looks so thrilled when someone from their camp wins!

These commercials are BIZARRE! "www.preventthesurprise.com" to stop "travel diarrhea"?

Wow, Eddie Murphy can make banter not sound like banter! Nicely done!

Right now, the French are going WILD

To think... if I'd kept up with my French Horn playing, I could have been one of those darkened silhouettes

That Slumdog composer booked it out of there!

"All my life I've had the choice between hate and love. I chose love, and I'm here." Well said!

I haven't seen any of these foreign movies. I would have liked Waltz with Bashir to win for it's incredible visuals, or The Class for it's story ("Students help show a new teacher that he is not extraordinary." Can't beat a heartwarmer like that)

I hate this damn Special K commercial.

Thanks Oscars. Thanks to your sweeping camera moves across those myriad video screens I have no idea who died this year. JUST PATCH IT THROUGH!

Thanks Reese! I had no idea that the director was in charge! The more you know...

"Tigger?"

Again... "Tigger?"

Ooo, here's where Kate gets her "Denzel"

She didn't thank Ricky Gervais!

Where's Daniel Day Lewis?

"Hmm... we can't think of anything to say about Richard Jenkins... how about 'This guy's been in a lot of movies'?"

I forgot Mickey Rourke was here until just now!

Theory: They thought Mickey would swear on air, so they gave it to the second least predictable person

Is this movie still being billed as the "feelgood" movie? Because it was horribly depressing in parts!

Closing musical number?

Overall: C-

I Heart Sarah Vowell

I remember seeing Sarah Vowell on The Daily Show some time ago and thinking "Wow, she's really very smart, and has clearly won the hearts and minds of the audience simply by being her own geeky self! I must remember the name of the book she is promoting (The Wordy Shipmates) and pursue it!"

Then I found out she was the voice of Violet in The Incredibles. Now I've got a nerd-crush.