Under the "O"...Sixty-nine...Six-nine

This is a mixed post. I, like Charlie Brown before me, shall be wishy-washy.

First the bad, then the good.

I think I have a new pet peeve! I was coming home from work today and I saw about a block ahead a cop turn on his siren so that he could turn left at a red light. He didn't have the siren on before hand, and he wasn't in any great rush. Damn this casual abuse of power! CURSE CURSE CURSE! I don't know why, but it really set me off. Jerks.

But the good news is that I'm a Bingo caller! (and a damn good one apparently.) I'm taking to the game like a duck to water, and getting lots of encouragement from the clientele and my fellow staff. I have two trainers and they've both said that they're blown away with how well I'm doing. I really think they don't believe that I've never done it before. Now before you say "Right, how hard is it to call numbers?" Well, let me tell you somethin' Jack! It's trickier than it looks. There are a million little things to keep track of, and every process has thousands of steps to it. But despite all this, I'm accelerating! It feels pretty damn nice to be this good at something right off the bat. A little ol' lady tipped me $15 tonight. Another ol' lady said that I have a sexy voice. I gave her a wink. A guy with one arm said I was doing a really excellent job, and yet another ol' lady gave me a thumbs up. I'm a lot less cynical about this job than I thought I would be.

So in conclusion, police abusing their power so they don't have to wait 20 seconds at a red light: BAD!

Getting a perverse pleasure out of saying "sixty-nine" to a room of ol' ladies: GOOD!

The Last Straw

That tears it.

You are not allowed to feel bad for being yourself and saying what you want to say. You will no longer let people who are not you tell you what you are supposed to be, and how you are supposed to live your life. You make your own choices and good or bad, they are yours.

So from now on you will curse like a sailor. You will go out and get drunk. You will screw around if you want to. You will listen to loud music in your house. You will be happy to be yourself, and you will tell that 16-tonne weight to get the fuck off your back, man. And all because you want to, but someone says "you can't."

You have friends who love you, and they will back you up on this. We're all on your side and we want you to be happy more than anything.

This could be a long one... or I could get distracted.

I find I have a lot of stuff to talk about for some reason. I should make a list/table of contents, or I'll forget something.

1) Get Behind Me Satan
2) Nora
3) Quiz/Kirsten
4) Luke & Erica
5) River Phoenix
6) This keyboard

1) Get Behind Me Satan - Best thing ever. I've been listening to it non-freakin'-stop since Jenny got it for me, and it just keeps getting better. It's so weird and off-kilter. Meg sings a 35-second long song, though I think that "In the Cold, Cold Night" was better. I read a review that said the first single "Blue Orchid" was a red herring designed to lure you into a little room and then lock the door. Despite being a clever reference to another Stripes song, the review is pretty accurate. "Blue Orchid" is the first song on the album, so you put it on and think to yourself "Sweet. Rock & Roll." But then the second, third, fourth and fifth songs come on.

"The Nurse" is one of those songs that I'd put on a mix CD to piss off my friend's father because although it's a very good song, it's totally unlistenable if you're a) over 40, or b) not a White Stripes fan. Do not play this song at a party. It truly rules, don't get me wrong, but it's so disjointed and strange that it will drive some away. I'm still trying to figure out the timing of those blasts of drums and guitar. The marimba is pretty cool too.

"My Doorbell" has no guitar on it. I think I really love that Jack White plays piano. On the Stripes DVD, he switches between guitar and piano many times during one song. Impressive. This song is one of those ones you find yourself murmuring to yourself hours later while you're out shopping for avacadoes.

"Forever for Her (Is Over For Me)" is funny. Marimba again, over a story about getting it on all over the place before commitment sets in.

"Little Ghost" was I think written with a ukelele. I picture Jack and a bunch of mechanical hillbilly-bears sitting on the porch of that cabin from "Black Sheep" while Meg's in the kitchen fryin' up some grits. I think Loretta's there somewhere too. Possibly on the roof shooting at buzzards.

"The Denial Twist" as stated before is most excellent. It sounds like Jack was overjoyed with the words he had written and was having the best time singing them. Sounds like smiling. I think he's singing directly to Meg on this one. I can picture it in my head. This song makes me happy.

Then there are other song too, but I don't want to go through them all. It's a great album that should be in your collection.

2) Nora - aka my puppy, full name "Anorien Grace Rootazelton." So the nerdy confession is that Nora is named after a river from Lord of the Rings. I don't know if that's nerdy after all, but why not cover my bases. Like all our animals and most of our possessions, Jenny & I have personified Nora with a voice of her own; a kind of distracted, enthusiastic persona which is in keeping with her weird behaviour and unexplained foot fetish. Her favourite toy is when you stick out your foot. She jumps on it, rubs up against it, tries to put her back leg up on it. What a weirdo. But she's my weirdo and I love her.

Jenny & I rescued Nora. Her mother had rejected her (ie/ wouldn't let her feed, snarled, etc) and so we took her under our wing at the tender age of six weeks old. She's a good dog at heart, though she gets excited a lot. I really need to get her some more exercise. And I will! More walks! More playing!

Here's a song that Jenny & I made up for Nora to sing. It's to the tune of the theme from "I Dream of Jeanie" though you'll have to play with the meter if you want it to sync up.

Doggy
I am a doggy
You can't
do anything about it
Because
You are not a scientist
Ha ha ha!

La la la
Doggy
I am a doggy
You can't
change my DNA-ay
Because
You are not a scientist
Ooo a bird!

You are
You are not a scientist
So I
I'll keep being a dog
Doggy
I'm a little doggy
Hey, what's that?

Lookin'
I'm lookin' arou-ound
Lookin'
Hey there's something else
You are
You are not a scientist

Dee ehn
Dee eh-ehn ay-ay
I'm not
I'm not a scientist
I'm just
Just a little doggy
and you're not!

That pretty much sums up Nora in a nutshell.

3) Quiz. So there's a back story to this one. Pretty much everyone I know right now is involved in some capacity with the production of The Tempest going on at Thorneloe. It's an all female cast, and I've been to see it twice, but I wish I could go see it again. There are one or two people I didn't know before this started (though I can't really claim to know them all that well now), and one of those people is Kirsten Humbert who plays Ferdinand. Yeah, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I recognize her more than know her. Perhaps I can change that. She seems cool. But I digress. Through the myriad connections between pages on this site and others, I've stumbled across Kirsten's inner brain workings. Bored at work, I began flipping through old posts and I found a compatability quiz. So this will tell Kirsten how compatable the two of us are. I don't know why I would want to know that, or if that is within the capabilities of a simple quiz (in fact I know it isn't) but I'm a sucker for this type of thing. If anyone else wants to answer these and find out how compatable you are with me, go right ahead. Please keep in mind that these answers will apply to Kirsten only.

Music:

Out of this line-up, please select the band that doesn’t suck: Tool, Guns ‘N Roses, Rush, Kiss, XTC, Enrique Iglesias, Dashboard Confessional: Kiss

We’re eating perogies, and Jail House Rock comes on; what is your reaction?: "Whoa! Is this Jail House Rock?"

Is it right to force one’s own musical tastes and opinions on others? Justify. No. Some people, bless their cotton socks, will just never get it, and your energies could be put to better use.

How can you contribute as a co-pilot in the boat of my guitar? Uh... you BET I can! I can play guitar if that's what you're after.

Can you score me heroin? I can lend you a Velvet Underground CD.

Movies:

Do you like Star Wars? The missile defense program?

Name three really awesome movies. 1) Spirited Away 2) Amelie 3) Stand By Me

What’s your opinion of Bill Murray when he eats anything in a movie? I can only think of when he eats a hot dog in "Ed Wood." Man is he ever workin' it.

How do you identify a movie (ex. Actors, director, plot, amount of sexual content . . .)? Whether or not it sucks.

Complete the following sentence, choosing the most appropriate adjective: "Woody Allen is awesome/terrible because..." (Negative responses accepted) Woody Allen is awesome because he beat the system and did what we all dreamed of doing; he realized a reverse Oedipus complex, thus evapourating all of Freud's theories in one fell swoop.

What’s your best movie-related shinanagen? After the commercial for the Army that they stick at the beginning of the movie, my friend jumped up and yelled "That's it! I'm joining the army!" and ran out of the theatre. He came back as they were playing a commercial for Coke and when it ended he jumped up and yelled "That's it! I'm gettting a Coke!" and ran out of the theatre. He came back a few minutes later with a really large Coke.

What is the most important factor for zombies to be TRULY terrifying? Speed. If they were all lurchy like in the movies it'd be no problem, because you could just take a bat or a chainsaw to them, but when they run at you....brrrr!

Nudity and All Things Related:

How do you feel about nudity? I'm in favour of it!

Will you be offended if I do not wear a bra while we hangout? I kinda doubt it.

Have I hung out with you with few/no clothes on? Nope.

If not, why haven’t we? Well, we've only spoken about three times.

How do you feel about thongs on the beach? They seem strangely inappropriate.

Do you watch butt/fecal/animal/cannibal porn? Well, I guess it depends on what mood I'm in- I mean... no.

Favourite nickname for male nether regions: Doodle.

Favourite nickname for female nether regions: Cootch.

Hobbies:

Name something you do that’s artistic: I work in an art gallery! Plus I play guitar, and I write sometimes too.

Are you more flexible than I am? I doubt it.

Do you do any sports? If so, which? Don't do sports. Stay in school. Drink your milk.

Do you like the mall? Yeah, but I don't know if the mall likes me! Will you give it this note for me?

Do you spend mad bling, or do you avoid money-related things like the plague? Well, I don't have many options right now. Maybe in July.

Can we play dress-up? (as if this is the most obvious thing in the world) Yes!

Have we jammed? Not yet!

What do you think of my singing (if you’ve heard . . . if not . . . just um . . . lie.)? Your singing could coax angels from heaven to say "Hey, who's that?"

Food:

What’s your policy on new foods? I'll try it, but you can't make me like it!

Do you hold great disdain for chain restaurants? Not really, no.

Have you eaten any of the following: raw sea urchin, emu, ostrich, snapping turtle, sea weed, raw fish, eel, octopus, or loco? Sea weed, raw fish.

Have I ever bitten you? I love how this question is under "Food." But no, not yet.

Miscellaneous:

Tell me something I don’t know: My first dog's name was "Pupper" and that was also the 'safety word' for if someone tried to get me into their car when I was a little kid by saying that my parents sent them.

Pet peeve: People who automatically assume you're doing a bad job.

Say something that’s never been said before: I, Andrew Root, am so totally dishwasher safe.

Can you touch your toes? Only if I've been good.

Do you dance? Yes!

Who’s hairier, you or me? Me, by a long shot. If you're hairier than me, you hide it very well.

Who’s sexier, myself, or Cameron Diaz? Geez, I'll need some golden apples to figure this one out.

Who’s sexier, myself, or James Cameron? As far as I know, you've never declared yourself the "King of the World" at an award show, so you. Definitively you.

Are you a part of PAR? The Personal Aerial Rescue? The company that sets out to restore and repair old broken TV antennae? You bet your ass I am!

Will you be a part of PAR? The People Against Roger Ebert? Yeah, ok. He always seemed kinda smug.

LAST QUESTION:

What is the air-speed velocity of an un-laden swallow? Oh god, just toss me into the Pit of Doom right now.

Here endeth the quiz. The more I think about it, the more I like the image of Kirsten that I have in my head. She says really random things sometimes, and it keeps me on my toes.

4) Luke & Erica. I might be stepping outside of my bounds here, but I really think that the air would smell better, water would taste sweeter, trees would multiply and flourish, and all the peoples of the world would be a little happier if Luke & Erica were a couple. And now I'm cutting myself off on the subject.

5) River Phoenix - I just saw "Stand By Me" for the first time, 1/2 yesterday and 1/2 today. It was really really good, and I was blown away by River Phoenix. At 12 years old he's better than many actors of three times his age and experience. His performance was so subtle and layered. It's a real tragedy that he died. I've been to the Viper room in L.A., outside of which River overdosed, but I didn't know it at the time. I wish I'd lingered more.

6) This Keyboard. I hate this keyboard. The upper left hand of it doesn't work too well, (ie/ you have to smash the keys to get them to work), so words like "When" frequently become "hn." I will have my vengeance.

There... only 2 1/3 hours left at this job, then a quick skip across town to work 7 1/2 hours at another place, yelling letters and numbers at a disoriented crowd of the Blue Rinse Brigade.

#1 Jams

Being po' (that is, so poor I can't afford the last two letters), I can't yet get the new White Stripes CD, Get Behind Me Satan. But having fast internet at work has allowed me to find a preview of it! It's not a download site, so I'm not scamming the band I love so dear (and have a crush on 50% of) out of their hard earned deniro, and I get the pleasure of listening to this fine example of musicianship free of charge until I can get the album itself! "The Denial Twist" is my favourite song, I think. I'm a little hazy on the titles because it comes in the form of one long, unbroken stream. But if any of you are as po' as me, but want to hear a ridiculously good, diverse, and downright weird album, go here.

I feel justified in advertising this, because it doesn't appear to be a place where you can get the album for free instead of paying for it. I'm a big supporter of buying new cd's as opposed to used or download. Support musicians! Just not crappy ones.

Edit: Not ten minutes after posting this, who should walk into the Gallery carrying a copy of the aforementioned album for yours truly? My sweet, beautiful, lovey-dovey Jenny. What a girl! Lucky me.

If you get offended, I'll write it in pencil

So here's a dream that I had last night. It involves a lot of people that I know and a few instances of nudity. This dream was brought to you by Guiness.

I'm driving in my wagon around town, and I feel hungry. So I stop in at a Wendy's drive-thru. But this Wendy's is located over by Steph & Jay's place where a Country Style should be. A train-yard was across the street. I pull up to the order box and realize that I don't have any money, but I order anyways.

WelcometoWendy'scanItakeyourorder?

Yes, can I have two Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers, and the largest size of fries you have.

Anythingtodrink?

No.

Yourtotalcomesto$4.22Pleasedrivethru.

Thank you.

So I drive around the other cars that are in front of me and head for the exit, because I have no intention of paying. The exit is guarded by a mechanical arm which refuses to open for me, and I'm filled with the dread that the people are going to come outside and I'll have to explain that I don't have any money.

Just then, the arm raises and I'm about to make my escape when I notice that driving down the middle of the road in a gigantic, bright red train engine is Aimee Leonard's father. I wonder what he's doing, and have a vision of Aimee saying "Oh it was Father's day and he needed a vacation." So he waves and drives down a tree-lined highway off into who knows where.

I look out the front windshield of the car, and walking in front of the car is Lindsay, a friend from a few classes last semester. She is walking with a girl who I don't know. I haven't seen her for a while, so I get out of the car and go to say hello.

Instantly we're having lunch in a rooftop cafe with Rob O'Flanagan. I wonder when he showed up and start to have the inkling that this is a dream. I look over at Lindsay and she's naked, but has her legs pulled up to cover herself. She is not embarassed or demure, that is simply the way she is sitting. I look at Rob, and he is salivating over her body, a crazed look in his eyes. He is speaking in a halting manner, trying to get Lindsay to stand up and reveal herself. I realize that this is a dream, and that if I want her to, she will stand up. I blink and I'm in her arms, and I've forgotten it's a dream. I don't even realize that she's a person, just a collection of body parts. I cannot see the forest for the trees. She pushes me away and vanishes.

I blink again and I'm in my old apartment, the kitchen specifically, but it's wider than it was. Wide enough to accomodate the banquet that is going on in there with many rowdy friends. Jay stands out in my memory, but no one else. Jenny goes to put something in the oven, but when she opens the door Nora (once again a puppy) leaps inside, landing in between the red hot elements. I panic and grab her by the scruff of the neck and yank her out of the oven. She is remarkably unhurt, as though the only hot things in the oven were the elements themselves. A large man who I had not noticed before says "Well there's a real animal lover" and he hands me a small change purse. People clambour for it, but it eventually ends up in my hands. Inside it is $10 000.

Just then there is a knock at the door. I go to answer it, but I'm no longer in my apartment. I'm in a large hotel room with sixteen foot high ceilings and a colourful carpet. I open the door and Aimee is standing there, wearing nothing but a towel around her waist and a tiny, neon yellow tube top. She comes inside and I offer to take her towel, but she says that's probably not a good idea. She seems upset, so I ask her what's wrong. The sounds of the banquet carry out from the other room and she seems reluctant to talk. I press her for information and she says "Nothing's wrong. Jay just got me pregnant, that's all."

Me: What?!?

Aimee: I'm pregnant.

She tries to walk away, but I grab her arm and spin her around. I look down at her stomach and realize she must be at least seven or eight months along. Wondering how I missed this when she opened the door, I sit down on the arm of my favourite brown chair and ask her when it happened

Aimee: Oh, a little while ago.

Me: But Jay's been here! He couldn't have....

I wake.

If anyone has a problem with their name being on here, let me know and it'll be removed.

Uhhh....

Does anyone else think this picture of the Bible is kinda suggestive? I mean, for a Bible.



It does however support Jay's ideal that God is a woman!

Stealing from Simac

I too am now declaring my love of the Raveonettes in the form of photo dump. I was listening to "Pretty in Black" when I stumbled upon Simacia and the glowing review therein. So in true Root style, I'm ripping off another's idea. That said, the Raveonettes rule.



Sharin Foo



Sune Rose Wagner



Some required listening:

• Beat City
  
• That Great Love Sound
  
• Let's Rave On
  
• Dirty Eyes (Sex Don't Sell)
  
• Little Animal
  
• New York Was Great
  
• Love in a Trashcan
  
• Sleepwalking
  
• Here Comes Mary
  
• Twilight
  
• Somewhere in Texas
  

The rest of the albums are great, but these tracks really stand out. Also it's pretty cool that Sharin Foo is six foot two and she still wears heels.

I wish I'd thought of this.

I just saw something that brightened my day. I read a comic strip (as I so often do) about people digging holes, looking for something. Treasure presumibly. But anyways, one of them finds a small metal box with an envelope. When they open the envelope, inside is a note which reads:

"Nice hole."

I want to go and do this.

I read the comics a lot. It's hard to find good ones, and many of the older ones just need to be retired, but some are so good and funny that they make me want to smile from ear to ear. I'm actually considering getting a tattoo of a panel from a Peanuts strip.

Here are some good ones for further reading:

• Get Fuzzy by Darby Conley
  
• Pearls Before Swine by Stephen Pastis
  
• Peanuts by Charles Schultz
  
• Dilbert by Scott Adams
  
• Zits by Jerry Scott & Jim Borgman
  
• Calvin & Hobbes by Bill Waterson
  

These are just for starters.

The Best of times, the worst of times

Rainier Wolfcastle: Hey Scohie, that outfit makes you look like a homosexual.

Audience: Boooo!

Rainier Wolfcastle: Oh, maybe you all are homosexuals!

Well shit.

I just saw Memo stepping nimbly around her cage, and it was probably the best thing about today.

I had a rough, confusing, irritating day, which resulted in me posting something here which would probably hold up in court as a genuine threat against someone's person. It has since been removed.

This whole mess has caused me to be in a foul, inarticulate mood and I cancelled some plans that I had with Aimee Leonard. I feel like a bad friend. I love Aimee to bits, and we even wrote an intentionally obscure song together the other night. I shouldn't let days like this affect me to the point where I act all vibey around people, but that's what happened today.

Next step: attitudinal adjusting.

Many many many apologies to everyone for any contact they have with me today or maybe tomorrow. I'll probably be horrible to you, but I don't mean it. I'm just not allowed to yell at the person who ticked my day off.

Time waster, time waster, we see you!

1. If you woke up tomorrow morning and you were the opposite gender, what would be the first thing you'd do?

What a way to start... Probably something dirty.

2. If you could be invisible for a whole day, what would you do?

Spend a lot of time explaining it to people.

3. If you could completely get rid of one fashion trend that you personally don't like, what would it be?

New clothes that are made to look old. JUST BUY SOMETHING THAT'S ALREADY OLD! That, or hip-hugger jeans. They look good if you've got hips to hug. Otherwise you're just begging to look like a plumber.

4. If you could dye your hair ANY colour, what colour would you choose?

Octarine.

5. If you could look like any celebrity, who would you choose and why?

Uma Thurman. I want Quentin Tarantino to write movies for ME!

6. If you could spend one hour with ANYONE, (alive or dead) who would it be, and why?

Adolf Hitler. Maybe so I could smack him, maybe so I could pick his brain, see what made him tick.

7. If you won a million dollars in the lottery, what would you do with the money?

Well first, I'd give half of it to the government.... sigh... then get rid of all my debt, and probably go see the White Stripes in concert with my gal.

8. If you could tell one person ANYTHING, what would it be, and who would it be?

I would tell Ben Mulroony that his days are numbered because I'm coming after him.

9. If you saw your favourite celebrity in the street, what would be your first reaction?

"Oh crap... should I say something? What can I say that won't seem really 'omigod!'? I'll probably never get this chance again. Shit, I don't have a camera, or anything for them to sign. OK, well I need to seize this opportunity." And then I realize that they're now ten blocks away.

10. If you could change your first name to anything you wanted, what would you change it to?

God.

11. What's one feature of your appearance that you absolutely like?

My pinky fingers are all screwed up and cute.

12. If you were told today that you had only a month to live, what would be all the things you would do, or say before you died?

Things which would have put me in compromising social positions had I been around to have to deal with them. If you really want to know, call me up and ask me.

13. If you could change any part of your appearance, what would it be?

Selected electrolysis

14. If you had your own line of cosmetics, what would you call it, and what kind of products would you make?

Make-up that depending on how nice a person you are makes you look more or less attractive. It'd be called "This is too expensive. Stop wasting your money." And the proceeds would go to charities of Luke and Erica's choosing.

15. If you had your own line of underwear, how would you design it?

I'd imagine it would be designed on paper with some sort of drafting pencil. Possibly self cleaning.

16. If you could have one super power, what would it be?

Telekinesis, aka the ability to move things with your mind. Despite making me lazy because I wouldn't have to stand up to get things, I could pick myself up and get flight built in.

17. If you had the choice would you rather be Marilyn Monroe for a day,or Madonna?

Well, Marilyn's dead and Madonna freaks me out... so.... Maridonna?

18. Do you believe your dreams have significance?

No, not really.

19. Total number of films I own on DVD/video --

Good god, a lot.

20. The last film I bought

Mystery Science Theatre Shorts: Vol. 2

21. Last film I watched at home -

Aliens.... groan...

22. Six films I watch a lot or mean a lot to me

In no particular order-

1) The Royal Tennenbaums - Written by Wes Andrson & Owen Wilson, Directed by Wes Andrson

2) Amelie - Written & Directed by Jean-Pierre Jeunet

3) Adaptation - Written by Charlie Kaufman, Directed by Spike Jonze

4) Closer - Written by Patrick Marber, Directed by Mike Nichols

5) Magnolia - Written & Directed by Paul Thomas Anderson

6) Almost Famous - Written & Directed by Cameron Crowe

Ok, back to pretending to work.

I would never lie to you.

Actual quotes taken from a recent interview with a certain celeb who will remain nameless. See if you can guess who it is!

"Waaah! I've got water on my face! Boo hoo hoo! I'm really upset that I got a joke played on me! I'm gonna use my Hollywood power to get people arrested for squirting me with water! Waaahh! Waaaahh! Katie, I'm all wet! Waaaahh, I love Scientology!"

I, of course, would never make this up. This is 100% guaranteed real. Seriously. This was said. You can trust me. I'm your friend. I'd never squirt you with water from a fake microphone, because I know what an affront to humanity that is. Guaranteed.

"Nine times is enough" seguing to "National identity"

For the ninth time I've been sent the same petition in an email. Disregarding the fact that email petitions don't count for anything, I'm refusing to sign this one. This petition in particular is trying to ban the production of a film based on the Paul Barnardo crimes. It claims that in the name of decency and out of respect for the parents this film should not be allowed to be made.

Sorry. I have every sympathy for the people involved, but I absolutly refuse to sign this petition. Yes it was awful, yes it was deplorable, yes it was disturbing.... but so was World War Two, and how many movies are there about WW2? How many war movies are there?

We can't pick and choose which stories are going to be told. There is no difference between the horrors of war and the horrors of a murderer. There are movies about David Berkowitz, so it's not like this is the first movie ever made on the subject. Things like this don't just go away because we'd like to forget them.

In a similar vein, Chapters has long refused to carry "Mein Kampf" (aka Hitler's book). I had a conversation with a professor who I respect on the subject, and she had this to say about it; While it may not be pleasant or enjoyable to learn that people think and act in these ways, it is important to know that these things happened so that we can prevent them from happening again. If this kind of censorship is applied to society, we are doomed to repeat ourselves.

In the end, education is always preferrable to ignorance.

So I won't sign this petition. Partly because of the above, but also because after the spiel about why I should sign it was written "Let's be Canadian." While this was pushy to say the least, it implied that if I supported this movie I was being "Un-Canadian." Don't tell me what it is to be Canadian. If you think that just because we live in the same country we share the same ideals, you are sorely mistaken. Perhaps I was mistaken, but I was under the impression that Canadians were a free-thinking group, willing to let people make up their own minds. But now I'm generalizing. People can be as open or as closed-minded as they want to be. Just don't assume I'm on your side because we're both citizens.

Besides, what does it mean to be Canadian? "Canadians are nice. They're so polite." Whoever said that doesn't know some of the Canadians I know.

I felt so much more comfortable with Jean Chretien in charge of my nation's affairs. I think of this new lot, and this is the first thing that jumps into my mind. I think I liked how damn charming Chretien was. He was probably conniving and underhanded like lots of politicians, but he never came off as a used-car salesman. I barely pay attention to the nation's politics anymore. Probably because I can't even get the CBC on tv. Lousy lack of an antennae. It was nice when the only stations I got were CBC, CTV, and Global if you stood over the set waving your arms up and down. TV is a trap.

Man, I should change the name of this page to "Rambledom" or "Tangent-ville." That's it. Go away now.

Acrimony

I think I've pin-pointed the most cynical thing I've ever said in my whole life.

Scene: EXT. After a spring rainfall. Peterborough, Ontario.

Two people exit a house. One turns to the other.

P1: Don't you love the way things smell after a rainfall?

ME: Yeah. It smells just like fabric softener.

END SCENE!

Has anyone seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? You know the scene where Kate Winslet is pretending to smother Jim Carrey with a pillow? Apparently Charlie Kaufman, the writer (or should I say the writer) got that from a real life game he used to play with his girlfriend. The object is for one person to pretend to be dead for as long as possible while the other person pretends to be concerned.

Go and see "Ghost World." You want misanthropic? Oh, Brother!



"Gimme all your money, bitch!"



"Better give me two packs of smokes. Workin' a double shift! Sixteen hours!"



"You don't know what you're talking about."



"He doesn't even need that wheelchair. He's just totally lazy."



"What kind of question is that? It's totally irrelevant because a girl like that would never be caught dead with me."



"This is so bad it's gone past good and back to bad again."
======================

p.s. I found out a little while ago that Erica and I were born in the same hospital.

4:43pm on a Saturday that I thought was Sunday

This tea reminds me of you.

Free writing

I used to do this in high school with a few friends. Here are the rules:

1) You can't stop writing. Only pauses for 30 seconds or less are allowed to clear your head. If you've paused for over 30 seconds, the piece is over.

2) If you're interrupted by something like a phone call, you have to scrap what you had and start again.

3) No going back to make things jive up better. Once it's down, it's down.

4) There is no beginning, middle, or end.

Here I go!

The moon hung like a giant toenail clipping in the sky when Clive broke into my modest apartment to borrow a screwdriver. He looked at me like I was insane because I had moved my bathtub into the middle of the living room. If you ask me, Clive is the one who's insane.

Fourteen years earlier:

I don't know why there's an emu farm in downtown Boston, but the theory is that emus like smog. Smog rejuvinates the emu soul, a glossy magazine ad reads. I don't believe in magazines. There are too many of them to be real.

Fourteen years later:

"Clive, get out of my living room."

"Fuck-luck," said Clive.

I don't know Clive very well. He is tall and unshaven, even when he's just had a shave. He pisses me off because he gets away with so much simply through disregard for other people's feelings. I want to be Clive. Clive hates the Pope but loves Catholics.

Fourteen years ago:

I stole an emu and cooked it for dinner. I'm not proud. It was awful. Simply the worst meal I've ever had.

Fourteen years later:

I gave Clive a screwdriver. He wanted some paint also, but I was all out. He slammed the screwdriver against the wall, making a small hole. He was lucky that he didn't hit an electrical box and get a shock. Matter of fact, I was lucky, because he would have taken it personally and beaten the hell out of my wall. I wanted Clive to leave.

"Why did you want the screwdriver?" I ask.

"Can't you shut up for one damn minute?" Clive asks back.

So I shut up. What good is it discoursing with a deranged, probably malnourishd Clive who's got possession of your good screwdriver?

Fourteen years earlier:

Emu are decadent. I hate them for it. I wish there were no more emus anywhere. They're like mosquitos or Canadians. They don't DO anything. Maybe we could make them into slaves. Really fuck them up. So I released all the emu from the Boston emu farm and tried to whip them and beat them.

Fourteen years later:

I haven't seen Clive in fourteen years.

The Killers & another odd meandering

Dear Lloyd,

The Killers are an awesome band if for no other reason than "Somebody Told Me." As many cool bands are, they were intro'd to me by Aimee, and their CD is frickin' great. It's going on my list of CD's to buy when I've got the moolah. This is the list:

1) Get Behind Me Satan - The White Stripes

2) X & Y - Coldplay

3) Hot Fuss - The Killers

4) Live Series #1 - Dave Matthews Band

5) Demon Days - Gorillaz

6) Fever To Tell - The Yeah Yeah Yeah's

etc etc etc.... Here is half of why "Somebody Told Me" is so cool:

Breaking my back just to know your name
Seventeen tracks and I've had it with this game
I'm breaking my back just to know your name
But heaven ain't close in a place like this
Anything goes but don't blink you might miss
Cause heaven ain't close in a place like this
I said heaven ain't close in a place like this
Bring it back down, bring it back down tonight
Never thought I'd let a rumour ruin my moonlight

Well somebody told me
You had a boyfriend
Who looks like a girlfriend
That I had in February of last year
It's not confidential
I've got potential

Ready? Let's roll onto something new
Taking its toll and I'm leaving without you
Ready? Let's roll onto something new
But heaven ain't close in a place like this
Anything goes but don't blink you might miss
Cause heaven ain't close in a place like this
I said heaven ain't close in a place like this
Bring it back down, bring it back down tonight
Never thought I'd let a rumour ruin my moonlight

Well somebody told me
You had a boyfriend
Who looks like a girlfriend
That I had in February of last year
It's not confidentialI've got potential
A rushin', a rushin' around

Pace yourself from me
I said maybe baby please
But I just don't know now

Somebody told me
You had a boyfriend
Who looks like a girlfriend
That I had in February of last year
It's not confidential
I've got potential
A rushin', a rushin' around

The other half is the music. Rolling Stone calls it "gender bending wit." I don't know what to call it apart from "fucking cool." I've been listening to it back to back for a few days now.
=========================================
In other related news: Luke rules, and here's why. I'm trying to get back into the swing of writing to this scope and magnitude, but it's an uphill battle. I've really let myself lapse in the writing department. I think that's why I like this old shack. It's helping me to be interested in things, and want to comment on them even if it's nothing more than copying and pasting song lyrics and screwing around with pictures.

I'm currently working on a short story which will be posted here once it's done. It's the story of an old man who lives his life a certain way, ever cognizant of the fact that things could be slightly better, but unwilling to make that change for fear that it might not be all he wanted. It also has a metaphoric river! (hey, what river isn't?)

Stream of conciousness photo dump.

I bet I'd stop hanging up on telemarketers if this actually happened.



I dressed up as him for Halloween one year. It went poorly.



I remember loving how he didn't want to shave his moustache, so they just painted over it. If you look closely, you can see it there.



Hands down, no question, stamped it, no erasies the BEST Batman ever. Just look at the accentuated eyebrows on his mask.



I've got a porpoise in life!



Now THAT's a swimsuit model!



This is a great movie. I love the casual way that Scarlett Johansson calls Thora Birch a cunt while working at Starbucks.



"Aww sugar, you just gone and done the dumbest thing in your whole life."

That's all. Whoever comes up with the links between the pictures first gets a cookie. Go ahead! Try to understand my thinking!

Finally! Discourse of interest!

Thre is an interesting discussion going on in Simacia about the nature and appearance of God or gods. So if you want to know what I think (and I know you do!) git your buns over there now!

And for interest's sake, here's what you get when you do an Image search for "God."

It seems that God has a tight butt! (S)He must work out.

If everybody's got something to hide except for me and my monkey, what are you not telling me?

I can't sleep, despite the knowledge that I know I'll be tired as a dog at work tomorrow for staying up. So here are a collection of random thoughts and reviews.

1) "Downfall" - The German film about Hitler's last days in the bunker. Terrifying, yet fascinating to watch. It's like a nest of dragons feeling sorry for themselves, and you're a fly on the wall of their cave. Hitler fascinates me. What could drive a man to such ends? I don't suppose I'll ever know.

2) "Revenge of the Sith" - Probably the most exciting of the Star Wars films, though by the end my eyes were hurting from watching all the lightsabers flicker by. Some excellent moments (Chancellor Palpatine tempting Anakin to the dark side, Yoda uncloaked) coupled with some abhorrant moments ("NNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!", "Anakin, you're breaking my heart!").

3) I-pod Shuffle - I'm getting one for free and I'm not shooting any bunnies. Apparently if you switch an existing chequing account with a direct deposit to TD, they just give you an ipod shuffle. Stay tuned for when I learn about the horrible catch! Ipods are one of those things that I would gladly accept if they were free or a gift, but would never buy. Well, if I end up not liking it I can give it to Jay.

4) Jenny Hazelton - Funniest person ever. Her MST-3000 prowess during Revenge of the Sith tonight had me in stitches. ("Well, there goes the Oscar.")

5) The guy at the movies tonight - He came up to me at the urinal and said "So I hear this is where all the pricks hang out." I told him that was a terrible joke, and he said "Yeah, but am I right?" So I said "Yeah, I've gotta give you that," and started towards the sink when I heard him say "You cocksucking asshole." In a bemused kind of way I told him not to get nasty to which he replied "I said it to myself," which I guess clears him of all charges.

6) Sleep - Sleep is hard to do. It's evading me like nipples avoid the papparazzi; As I let my guard down, sleep will be all over me. But unlike nipples, my picture won't be posted on the internet. Unless the internet represents my bed.

"Lucid" is the best word in here.

Hello web-ophiles!

I've had a few too many forcibly put in my system to really comment lucidly, but here's my best shot anyways. Here's a few things about tonight;

1) I own a station wagon. It's the shit.

2) Erica Robinson is cute as buttons. She kicked up her heels tonite and it was just a riot. She gets like, forty-seven gold stars.

3) Aimee Leonard is a bitchin' singer and songwriter. I want to be her. Or at the very least to play a few more shows with her. However, Chris Newman's eminent return to the 'bury will probably mark the demise of that prospect. Well, sunrise, sunset I suppose. I can still be jealous of his ability to sing harmony though. Aimee's set at the T-house tonite was fab. I loved the new originals, including "Full of Love" a decidedly U2-ish vibe with lots of pretty vocals. Also awesome is "Curse" which I want to learn how to play. I can play guitar. And "Alpha Male" is too funny for words.

That's it. Me go pass out now. Love to all, including Luke. I've heard of a certain "Have you hugged your Luke today?" campaign, and I think it's marvellous. More people need to hug Luke.

How many people read this anyway?

God help those poor ad execs. Their time is coming.

I've just seen something truly awful. It was bad enough that it's one of those banner ads which tries to trick people into clicking on them with promises of free ipods, free trips, free sex, etc. Those are pain in the butt enough, but this was too much.

There have been a recent rash of these ads which incorporate a small game; Click the flower, for example, and you'll be whisked away on a dream vacation to Malibu to see Courtney Love slaughter punk music. It's a lot like those damned carnival games. "You want the bigger prize, don't you son? Well, just plunk down $3 more and you can trade in your crappy plush snake for this deluxe plush python! Listen, I'm only telling you this because we're such close friends, but the plush snake is just for losers who don't understand the concept of 'value.' So just give me the money and everything will be ok." And the bottles never fall. You could hit them with a bazooka, and they'd still be standing, mocking you from within their modest pyramid.

The ad in question said that if you "Shoot the bunny" you get an ipod. As an animal lover I was appalled. As the owner of two bunnies, I was incensed. Damn damn damn them! My loveable little dwarfie and mini-rex will be doing cute little bunny things like cleaning themselves and standing up for treats on those ad execs graves I tell you!

Xerox & Memo are members of my family, and I don't take kindly to this kind of crap. It was bad enough when the ads promised an ipod in exchange for shooting the terrorists. What the hell is so great about an ipod anyways? Stop enticing people to violence for electronic crap (that they won't even get, by the way without filling out hundreds of forms and handing over their credit cards, bank accounts, car keys and the deed to their houses!). I think I found my new enemy. Shoot the ad exec and I'll send you an ipod.

And for interest's sake the bunnies' full names are Gen. Xerox McHopsalot and Memo Bis Punitor Delicatum, or just Memo Bis for short.

One day.... You'll be cool.

Tonight I went to see "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" to mixed reviews. I blame the directing pretty much exclusively. I had seen an interview with the director, Garth Jennings, about Marvin the robot in which he said that Marivn was not going to look like you'd expect at all, and I thought "Oooo, you're treading into dangerous waters here." I'll agree with a friend here who said "The opening is so great that it raises your expectations really high up, and then the rest of the movie systematically lowers them again."

I will stand by the song "So long and thanks for all the fish" as being the best original song written for a movie in forever.

But I had such a conflict with Zooey Deschanel, who plays Trillian and graces the above photo. It's taken from "Almost Famous," a fantastic movie that everyone should see. She plays the main character's older sister, and in this scene she looks him (and all of us) right in the eye and says "One day... You'll be cool." When I first saw this movie I thought she was talking just to me. It was a marvellous moment, and remains my favourite scene in the entire movie. In fact, it's up there on my list of favourite scenes ever. In Hitchhiker I so wanted to like her, and I just couldn't. Her delivery of many many lines seemed like she was in a student film, and I just kept wondering whatever happened to that wise sage who made such a difference in young William Miller's life. This is where I blame the directing. I KNOW she can act. I've seen it! Just not in this movie.

Curses! It's movies like this that kind of make me think that if people would just ask my opinion once in a while things would be so much better. For example, they NEVER would have tried to make the villain and Zaphod Beeblebrox fall in love, and it would have been pronounced "Betelguise" not "Beetlejuice." The first half hour though was really excellent.

p.s. Anyone else notice that the irresponibly stupid President of the galaxy sounds a LOT like W.? I hope that was deliberate.

33 minutes

So a little over 1/2 an hour later, I'm bored as sin again (though still enjoying the air conditioning).

I've been thinking about books a lot lately, and so here are some you should read. NOW! Get ye to a bookstore!

Ssshhhhhhh....

At work again (what else is new), and though there was actual stuff to do today, I'm finished. I usually bring music to listen to, because this place can get frightfully dull at times, and today was no exception.

But the CD just ended, and I'm sitting here in silence, and I'm rather enjoying it. I can hear that there's someone moving chairs on the third floor, I can hear the keys on this keyboard, and I can hear the gentle whoosh of the air conditioning system (which I am eternally grateful for) but that's all.

It's very minimalist. I don't even think I'm going to put in a link, or a picture, or anything, just to reflect on that minimalist atmosphere which has begun to permeate this old mansion. Later when I'm bored with all this silence, then I'll put in many links and pictures. They're lots of fun, but for now I'm just going to curl up under the desk and have a nap. Come on by if you want to. It's surprisingly relaxing.

It wasn't enough that his name is "Ratzinger"

"Well, I think they should attack that sort of thing.... With satire."
-Eric Idle... in a dress.

My bell is broken

Believe it or not, there's still two hours left in my shift. I've actually fallen asleep twice, which is embarassing seeing as there is a security camera boring into the back of my head as I type. Actually, it's more like the side of my head. Either way, the key word is "boring."

You may have noticed the increasing number of links in the three previous posts. That's because I learned how, and it's easy, and it's fun.

In keping with the theme of being bored and having fun with links (but not lynx), here's a fun link to a fun cartoon about being bored. Zowie!

Round Three! Ding!

Here's another thought: Pugs are just about the cutest things ever.

Here, and here, and here are some cute pictures of pugs, doin' what they do best: Puggin' it up, all over town.

On a recent trip south, I met two black pugs. One was named Frankenstein, and the other was Alexandra. They were adorable, and awesome, and snorty.

Couldn't you just?!

Round Two! Ding!

I'm at work for nine long hours today, and if you've ever heard me talk about work you know that there's rarely an hour's worth of actual work to do, so I decided that I'd write a blurb every time an idea pops into my head! Sound fun? No, it really doesn't, does it? But it DOES sound time consuming, and that's the point. So here we go:

I went outside for lunch today and I saw a dog in an empty car. He was sitting in the driver's seat, barking away as if to say: "Look at me! I'm a driving dog!"

It was funny.

Next thought in T-Minus 3.....2.......1.....

Mid-Year Resolution

That's it. No more long posts like the two below. I don't like reading them, so why should I assume that other people do as well? Instead they will be broken into smaller more digestable chunks, like when dear ol' Ma used to cut up my porkchop at dinner time.

I will say this for the time being though:

Sigur Ros rules.

Wes Anderson rules.

English Breakfast tea rules.

There. I've had my fix, and it's in a teensy little package. This must be how people get addicted to crack, or smack, or whatever the kids are calling it these days.

p.s. I found out today that I share a birthday with Anton Chekov. Premonition of greatness? I don't see a single reason to doubt it.

Lava Lamp Inspiration

Hello, dear 2 or 3 of you who actually read this drivel I spew so regularly.

I was flipping through my CD collection looking for something to listen to on a rainy Sunday evening, when I came across an album that I haven't listened to in a long time. It's the first album I ever bought; Beautiful Midnight by Matthew Good Band. I had heard the song "Hello Time Bomb" on the radio and seen the video on Much Music and I was intrigued. I wasn't yet into buying full albums by bands, but I did have a couple of those "Big Shiny Tunes" compilations that Much puts out every year. So I went on down to the local Music World, fist full of hard earned paper-route money to get one of these compilations, based solely on the fact that "Hello Time Bomb" was the centrepiece of the collection. I bought it, brought it home and popped it in the ol' CD player, skipping ahead to the track I wanted to hear.

I was damn outraged when the song got to the line "Down at the Radio Shack, turning shit into solid gold" and what came out was "Down at the Radio Shack, turning sh into solid gold." The fuckers had censored it! But not even one of those irritating beeps, they had simply omitted the word! ARG! Imagine my frustration.

So I plucked this offensive CD out of the player without even waiting for it to stop spinning, put it back in the bag, marched right back to the store and exchanged it for a copy of Beautiful Midnight, swears and all. I got it home and listened to track two, the object of my affection. The "shit" was intact and I was overjoyed by the effect.

I stayed up late that night with the CD booklet in hand, listening to the album over and over again. I later loaned it to a friend and found out that, unprompted, she had done the same thing. It is an album which cries out to be played late at night, particularly if you're in any type of reflective mood. The effect, I've found is best amplified when you've either found love or lost it. It's hard to describe but the album either heightens the feeling of elation brought on by the prospect of a new relationship or it makes you painfully aware of some misstep which took away the chances for continued happiness. This album is something every seventeen year old needs to listen to. I've listened the CD into the ground it's been played so many times. I can sing along with not only the lyrics, but also the guitar, bass, and drums lines as well. It's the first and last album I ever memorized. It's dramatic, angry, lonely, lustful, brimming with sorrow, regret, pain and intensity that some bands only dream of. I cannot find a fault with it.

The album opens with Giant, which shifts from a cheerleading team chanting "K-I-C-K-A-S-S! That's the way we spell success!" with the band thundering away underneath into a guitar-driven exploratory drama about social perceptions. The style of the song had changed so quickly that I wondered how the cheerleaders fit in. But in the last chorus they return with a vengeance. It's every high school memory I've ever had all wrapped into one. Best line: "When you blow out like a dead star/It reminds me how uniform your beautiful is"

Next up is the reason I bought the album: Hello Time Bomb. It's a hard rockin', attitude filled, angry, cocky, fucked-up-in-the-head-and-proud-of-it vibe with a flanged bass that messes with my head and an effect solo that I can barely describe. It's been seven years since I first heard it and it still blows my mind. Add in Matt Good's snickering in the background, and it's the coolest thing in music. It makes you completely forget that there are other bands out there. In those three minutes and fifty-eight seconds, who needs them? Best line: "If life's for the livid/then check me tomorrow/We'll see if I'm emperor"

Time enough for a ballad, so enter Strange Days. Lead by an acoustic rhythm which is reminiscent of the band's hit "Apparitions," the song builds to soaring heights, touched with rough yet gentle piano and dreamy lyrics which have brought me close to tears on long drives home (of course late at night in my overly dramatic teen years). The emotion is palatable. Best line: "Are you crazy to want this/ Even for a while"

Next up is I Miss New Wave, a song I still have trouble describing, despite the years. It sounds like a hangover. Laced heavily with regret and the numbness of too much drink and sex, it could very well be the future of a rock star. But at the time, it felt like my future. It sums up my feelings about all the late night stupid things that you do as a teenager. One of the album's hidden gems. Best line: "Get laid by a golf course/That I never went to/Well it's not a real sport"

The album's second single Load Me Up got me into air guitar. I could mime the entire song, though I later realized that it was much simpler than I was making it out to be. This song sounds great when played loudly, but I prefer to have it on quietly. This song populated many mix tapes I made in high school and I would usually just rewind it over and over again until the tape gave out. It's just a hard hitting rock out song. Best line: "Hey are you are you are you are you you know/Hey are you are you are you special/Hey are you are you are you are you deformed/Hey yeah, you are"

Failing the Rorschach Test comes next, immediately after "Load Me Up" 's final notes barging in with a military-esque snare line and eerie guitar, playing on the imagery of Alice in Wonderland and painting a terrifying portrait of psychosis and child-parent relationships. Matt Good's snarl is entrancing, and his falsetto is beyond beautiful. Best line: "Mother told me to be something/So I'm afraid"

Suburbia deals with the desire of the forgotten child to flee, simply to be noticed. Passive anger oozes out of every note of this wandering meditation on escape. This song is so layered that you're constantly noticing new things. For example, I only just now noticed that there is a string section. No joke. I had thought that those sounds were backing vocals and sustained guitar, which are gorgeous, by the way. Best line: "Someday your head is going to turn/And you'll realize that I'm missing/Do you realize?"

Let's Get It On sounds like the inner monologue of a shame-filled, sex-starved man who fantasizes about taking charge sexually but is then disgusted by what he is thinking. This is another one of the album's hidden gems. Highly dramatic and the only rock song to date which uses the word "sycophantic." Best line: "So impossible/The doubt in everything, on everything is so impossible/In everything, everything"

Jenni's Song tells the story of a troubled, abused, vengeful girl. She's the typical badass, the kind I was fascinated with in high school when everything was still foreign and forbidden. Another of those "long drive home" songs with a crushing bridge and outstanding guitar break after the last chorus. It all ends quickly which makes me wonder about Jenni's fate. An excellently tragic story all in all. Best line: "Were you dead way before tonight?"

Going All The Way is somewhere between "Jenni's Song" and "I Miss New Wave." It's a look back in disgust at all the fake people and their misconstrued versions of beauty. I was friends with a girl, and this could have been our theme song, only less bleak. The whole song takes on a defeated look at the world and a seeming inability to make a change in such a shallow pond. Perfect for a disillusioned teenager. Best line: "Those missile men with their master plan/Don't get paid to understand"

A Boy and His Machine Gun terrifies me. Sung from the point of view of a mentally disturbed boy with a firearm, the whole song plays out like Silence of the Lambs; it's all one big game wih horrifying consequences. It's so perplexing. You fear the boy, but pity him all at once. Wonderfully complex and engaging. I have yet to switch the track when this song comes on. As the song concludes, it falls apart into a broken music box and the sound of doors being shut. Best line: "There's a t.v. in every room/And it's free, even pay-per-view/Which you'll need if no one's gonna visit you/Animal, Fucking animal"

The Future is X-Rated is another straight-out rock song, but what sets this one apart is the blatent sexuality, culminating in a bridge which includes phone sex with a hooker who says that she has to "take her coat off" before she begins. It's so sexual, but so casual all at the same time. Blew my adolescent mind. Best line: "So roll over sweet thing/Like a nuclear reprisal inbound from outer space/There's a comparison here I'm trying to swing"

Born to Kill is a musical heart attack. Never before have I heard such an effective use of strings in a rock song. The song begins with eerie guitars streaking past each other and eventually builds and builds and builds with drums crashing, guitars screaming and shouting, strings pounding and skittering across your brain until you are completely surrounded, confronted and helpless. And then you die. All sound cuts out except for a heart monitor flat-lineing. Unforgettable. Best line: "You're sleeping in my memory/Like Satan/Lonely/So I'm with him"

The album closer, Running for Home, is quite possibly the most beautiful piano ballad I've ever heard; simple, mournful, entrancing. Matt Good's vocals are gorgeous and it's this song that I compare other singers to. Beautiful sympathetic strings heighten the emotion and are perfectly arranged. It's the perfect song to hold someone to, especially if you're both exhausted by the world and want nothing more than to be as close as possible to someone and cry your eyes out. Best line: "Every morning your kindly heart stops working/It gets tight in there sometimes/Looking for the defects, talking like it's a reflex/I close my mouth now and I scream"

The album ends with forty-six seconds of silence, as if to give you enough time to catch your breath and wipe away the tears of anger and sadness. Never before has a record had such an emotional impact on me and it's long overdue that I try to put it into words.

Art Gallery Ramblings

I work at an art gallery. And while this job is probably the easiest thing I've ever done for money and it affords me free time to rant on this damn thing, I manage to find fault with it. Mind you it is certainly not enough to make me quit or anything. Far from it. It's just one of those occupational hazards that most people have to deal with. That hazard is as follows:

People.

And I ain't talkin' about the magazine. What is it with people? Maybe it's just the people who come here, but they all seem excessively angry and impatient. I get interrupted all the time, even while answering the phone and saying "Good afternoon, Art Gallery of Sudbury, Andrew speaking." I rarely get past the "gallery" before the caller jumps in. "What time do you close?" "Do you have anything by Ivan Wheale?" "Why don't you have anything by Ivan Wheale?" "Where can I see some Ivan Wheale?" "I bought a painting of a tree at a garage sale for 50 cents and I want you to tell me if it's worth anything." "What do you mean you don't do appraisals?" "Well now what am I supposed to do?"

And those are just the people on the phones. The people who come in are even worse sometimes. There's a sign which says "Admission" right in front of them, yet they walk right on by and I have to yell at them to come back and pay the $5, which they then complain is ridiculous. The temptation is almost overwhelming to ask them if they'd just walk into a movie theater or a concert without paying. But I don't want to be one of those people who talks bigger than they act, so I WILL do that the next time that someone makes a stink about five measly dollars. Besides, the five dollar fee is only for this one exhibition. Usually it's $3, which some people make an even bigger issue out of.

But the absolute worst have been the times when we have an exhibit on that doesn't consist solely of paintings of landscapes. I've had people come to see an experimental project and demand their money back because "That isn't art." Our conversation went something like this:

Them: Um, can we have our money back?

Me: Uhhh.... is there something wrong?

Them: We came here to see art.

Me: Do you mean paintings?

Them: Yeah. We've never been here before, and that isn't art. So, can we have our money back?

Me: Yeah, I guess so. (grudgingly hands back their six dollars) But just so you know, that is a form of art.

To which they kind of scoffed and headed for the exit. Luckily the boss had been standing nearby and came over to declare them airheads alongside me. That's always comforting when the big boss agrees with you. The old adage about customers is so so so so so so so wrong. One other line I've always wanted to use on an angry customer: "Would you like me to get the manager so that they can tell you the exact same thing I just did?" sigh....One of these days.

But the creme de la creme of downright goofy people came in this form:

We were in the process of setting up an exhibit in the main gallery, so naturally there are tools, screws, nails, plaster, and works of art all over the place. In an attempt to keep out the public, we put up a portable wall in front of the door. In ordr to get to the upper floor where an exhibit was showing, people would have to use the back stairway. Seeing as most people tend to ignore me, or at least give me the barest sign of recognition, I decided to double the effect of the wall by posting a sign on it stating the detour.

While I was speaking with a woman about summer classes, a man was delivering his daughter to class (15 minutes late). He rushed past my desk and found himself confronted with the wall. Cursing, he began to try to move it out of his way. I excused myself from my conversation and informed the man about the back stairs. He then cursed me and told me that if there was a different way to go, then I should have put up a sign about it.

Well, such is life. I feel much better following this cathartic episode. However, I will continue to be baffeled by human nature. Reading from Life of Pi by Yann Martel, one remark rings particularly true. This is an approximate quote. I'll look it up and change it later:

"There was a sign outside the zoo that my father had put up. In large red letters it read 'Do you know what the most dangerous animal in the zoo is?' with an arrow pointing down towards a red curtain. People clamboured together to peer behind it. Behind the curtain there was a mirror."

A thought for today

They say you're not supposed to carry all your eggs in one basket, but isn't one large basket filled with many eggs much less cumbersome than several small baskets containing one egg each?

Noodle that one for a while, then get back to me.