All Nude Review!

You: Shouldn't that be spelled "revue"?

Me: Read on and see.

You: Are you not wearing any clothes right now?

Me: No, I am not.

You: Oh God! Why?!

Me: Because the heat cannot be beat.

You: Ugh!

*****************************

Luckily "You" does not exist, and you're all just figments of my imagination, so I don't care if you know that I'm sitting here in my nothings. You also won't care that I'm going to ramble about X-Men 3, which I saw the other day (y'know, because you're imaginary). However, if you didn't see it yet (even though you're figments of my imagination) don't read this post because it will spoil the movie (which is definitely worth seeing) for you.

First off, I should make clear that I very much enjoyed the movie, and even though I will talk about a number of negative things in here it's not to say that you shouldn't see the flick. You should. It's fun, and exciting and all that jazz. But there are some cons to these proverbial pros. It's a clear cut case of "They should have asked me what I thought before they went ahead and made the movie." Sigh, like always. Disgusted with me yet? No? Then read on!

The Cons:

Problem #1: The Ending.

This movie ends on what had the potential to be one of the more gut-wrenchingly empathy filled emotional climaxes of any film out there, and then they had to spoil it all by doing something stupid like a sequel! Magneto is no more. There is only poor Eric Lenscherr, a lonely old Jew who's been kicked around by just about everyone; he's lost his oldest friend (though it's true they were ideological enemies towards the end) and he's been robbed of the only thing that set him apart. So he sits in front of an empty chair and a chess set, trying to move the metal piece. Could anything be more movingly pathetic? You feel for the guy in a way that you haven't felt for ANY of the characters, good or evil. And then Brett Ratner jumps out from behind a tree and screams "SEQUEL!" at you. How pointless. Why bother calling a movie "X-Men: The Last Stand" if you're going to throw in the possibility of a sequel? Not to mention the fact that there is no precident for this movie to have a sequel! How does he get his powers back? Why? In the comic books they set up this storyline where the "cure" is temporary and wears off over time, but there ain't none of that in the movie.

The "cure" for this ending: One line of dialogue during Warren Worthington II's press conference. "Our testing indicates that the cure is effective in 99% of all cases." There you go. Now you've set up the possibility that an exceptionally powerful mutant like Magneto could gain his powers back.

This leads us directly into...

Problem #2: The domino effect

You know how it's fun to watch intricate patterns of dominos fall over (a la V For Vendetta)? What people sometimes forget (and the writers and directors definitely forgot) is that someone needs to spend the time painstakingly setting up the dominos, so that the big pay off can be a BIG payoff.

Example one of two: Magneto's speech in the church about the humans "forcing" their cure on the mutants and the subsequent revealing of his concentration camp tattoo. This sequence would have had so much more depth to it if the order had been reversed. That way he's not just talking in some obscure sci-fi "not-too-distant-future" mumbo-jumbo, but making a profound social commentary by comparing the plight of the mutants with that of the Jews in World War II.

Example two of two: During Phoenix's huge freak out on Alcatraz Island Wolverine says "Get out of here! I'm the only one that can stop her!" What possible reason does he have to believe that? Certainly we find out that his healing powers help him navigate the shitstorm she's unleashing, but at the time there's no reason to believe he has an advantage over any of the other mutants. Couldn't Storm just as easily have zapped her with her new-found Galactic Emperor electrical powers? (more on her later). There are so many unexplained things in this movie that could have made sense with a miniscule bit of effort.

Problem #3: Cheeseball Writing

Now granted, I should have seen this coming, and the last two movies weren't exactly gems either, but this was overkill. Every single scene tried to have two or three "hero moments" or lines which would be quotable between friends who had seen the movie. For example: "I'm Juggernaught, bitch!" Completely inexcusable. Were they just trying to capitalize on the "I'm Rick James, bitch" phenomena now that Dave Chapelle is out of the picture? I know that stealing material is easier than coming up with your own (just look at the vast amount of content on this site) but jeez. This is an anonymous little inconsequential corner of the backyard of Internetland, not a major motion picture which millions of people will see.

Speaking of Juggernaught, the description of his powers is enough to make any high-school English teacher whip out the red pen and scrawl "awk" all over. "Once he gains momentum, nothing can stop him." Isn't this taken right from a government document? I'm avoiding making a jab at the American legal system right now, but come on. Have some sense of propriety! And don't let Dan Brown do your re-writes!

Moving away from Juggernaught, and back to the attempts at quotable quotes: Why on God's green earth would Beast say to Wolverine "I've heard you're quite an animal" unless it was (and it WAS) another attempt to create witty banter by having Wolverine quickly stab back with "Look who's talkin'." Why does Wolverine have a beef with Beast in the first place? Does he sense a rival in his quest to be the hairiest X-man? At least with Cyclops there was a reason for the animosity.

Problem #4: Character development

Or lack thereof, I suppose. That seems to be something that every reviewer has picked on, and with good reason. Of course the little bald kid can neutralize powers, but how? There is the briefest mention of an "electromagnetic field" which he creates, but so what? We'll buy the electromagntic field as his power. Hey, mutants have all kinds of crazy powers! Just look at Inertia Man! Oops, I mean Captain Physics. Sorry! I meant Juggernaught. But how does the electromagnetic field affect other mutants? We'll accept pretty much anything as long as you tell us! Just stop dazzling us with Beast's hand and hoping we'll forget that you didn't tell us anything!

Also, what was up with Prince/Emo Girl? Who was she? She was relegated to the background so much during the film that I didn't know she was a girl until damn near the end! And lucky she was wearing that fishnet outfit, or I still might not have known! Although now I know why there's a lack of good emo bands out there. She must have gone to one festival and really enjoyed it, and the rest is a groaner.

One other thing that I don't understand is Angel's relationship with his father. If Little Warren is trying to cut off his wings in order to please his father, why wouldn't he be willing to take the cure? And why is it suddenly "what you want," when the only indication that Daddy Worthington is not a loving father is when he says "not you" at the beginning? It seems much more likely that he would be pushing the cure on his son to stop him from mutilating himself (ie/ out of benevolence) than because he is ashamed that his son is a mutant. Look how well the father/son relationship worked in the second movie!

Problem #5: Halle Berry

She bitched and whined and threatened to quit unless she got a bigger part, and then when she gets it, she doesn't do anything with it! Although it's not all her fault. More lines doesn't necessarily mean better lines. And I shouldn't say she doesn't do anything. Because she must have practiced that walk until she had maximized the potential of every single wiggle her body could put out there.

Problem #6: Poor Directing

And this one's the kicker. Pretty much everything listed above can be directly (no pun intended) to this point. It seems like Ratner spent his entire budget on explosives and computer time and didn't leave enough for film. Thus he was forced to use the first take of every shot. Lines like "Not if I get there first" can work if you give them the proper set up, but if you rush them they come out... well, like they did in the movie. Plus, when setting up your shots, make sure that the location of every character is apparent, so that certain actors (Halle!) don't look like they're staring off into space, pontificating to no one in particular.

Ratner also seems to have forgotten that the older X-Men deserve as much as the newer ones. Sure, Beast is cool and hairy and blue, but do his scenes deserve more focus than Professor X? Ratner rushes scenes with the Prof, making for some unrealized moments which could have had incredible impact.

One other thing, though minor: Why would they take Jean to the medical room, strap her to a table, and strip her down to a tank top, booty shorts, and a pair of sensible flats? The underwear I can understand, but the sensible flats?

But that's not to say it's all that bad.

Like I said, I enjoyed this movie. I recommend you go see it. I recommend I go see it again with you. I'd like to! I enjoyed it that much, despite the above. I just feel like the movie did not realize it's potential. That said, let's end on a positive note by saying some nice things.

Nice Thing #1: Casting

The casting in these movies has been spot on perfect (with one exception). Kelsey Grammer as Beast? It was a given that he would be great! Though at times his tenure as a sitcom actor shone through, but I blame the script for that. Ellen Page as Kitty Pride/Shadowcat? (makes the Italian finger kissing motion) Muah! She's got the perfect look for the part; just young enough to fit in at a school, but just old enough to project confidence in her abilities. The one exception noted above was whoever they got to play the president. He looks like someone you'd cast as a comical shop owner in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory! But I've figured out why Hugh Jackman is so good as Wolverine! He plays the tough guy well because he's not a tough guy in real life (ie/ The Boy From Oz). If they'd gotten Vin Diesel or someone as Wolverine he wouldn't have been able to access the required emotion for some of the more dramatic scenes! Thank me for that incredible revelation in the forms of cash or cheque (with suitable ID).

Nice Thing#2: Racism metaphor

As mentioned earlier, Magneto's speech about extermination carried extra weight because of his religion (though that message was bungled slightly), and Professor X's likeness to Martin Luther King Jr. was excellent. I've tried, but there's not a lot more to say about this issue. It was well done, and Storm's eulogy at Professor X's funeral is one of Halle Berry's finer moments in the film.

****************************

I'm sad they "killed off" Mystique. She was the coolest mutant by far, and not just because she insisted that blue was her colour throughout the trilogy, although that didn't hurt. Her's was the power I most wanted to have when I was into the tv show growing up. She's awesome! RIP, Mystique.


You were cooler when you were blue.

This must be the Honeybear

Look! It's Nick Zinner from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs with a koala bear!

An involved film quiz.

I feel smarter for having filled this out.

1) What film made you angry, either while watching it or in thinking about it afterward?

Solaris. Angry that I paid $10 to see it and that IT MADE NO SENSE!!!

2) Favorite sidekick

Willem Dafoe as Klaus Daimler in The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou

3) One of your favorite movie lines

"One day you'll be cool." - Anita Miller, played by Zooey Deschanel in Almost Famous

4) William Holden or Burt Lancaster?

Burt Lancaster.

5) Describe a perfect moment in a movie

Audrey Tautou as Mathilde in A Very Long Engagement, despite weakened legs due to polio races across her farm to catch one last glimpse of her fiance who is off to war, the whole time saying to herself "If I make it to the bend before the car, Manech will come back alive."

6) Favorite John Ford movie

Napoleon's Barber

7) What film artist (director, actor, screenwriter, whatever) has the least–deserved good reputation, artistically speaking. And who would you replace him/her with on that pedestal?

Julia Roberts. Replace with Michel Gondry.

8) Barbara Stanwyck or Ida Lupino?

Ida Lupino

9) Showgirls-- yes or no?

No. In the way that "no" should be said when something should not have existed in the first place. Not even as a joke.

10) Most exotic or otherwise unusual place in which you ever saw a movie

John Malkovich's subconscious in Being John Malkovich

11) Favorite Robert Altman movie

Only one I've seen: Gosford Park. A Prarie Home Companion looks like I will enjoy it in an incredibly hearty way though.

12) Best argument for allowing rock stars to participate in the making of movies

Jason Schwartzman. Former drummer from the Planet Smashers, while working on Rushmore with Wes Anderson, he inspired much of Anderson's choices for the Royal Tennenbaums' soundtrack. Plus (minus a few glaring errors) the movies Schwartman has been in have been fantastic.

13) Describe a transcendent moment in a film (a moment when you realized a film that just seemed routine or merely interesting before had become become something much more)

Adam Sandler's Barry Egan tells his overbearing sister that he can't meet her friend at a family dinner party because he has to renew his gym membership in Punch-Drunk Love

14) Gina Gershon or Jennifer Tilly?

At least Jennifer Tilly's been in some good movies. See The Wrong Guy.

15) Favorite Frank Capra movie

Only one I've seen: It's a Wonderful Life. Did you know that Frank Capra alos wrote and directed a movie called Know Your Enemy: Japan? Odd, at best.

16) The scene you most wish you could have witnessed being filmed

It's a tie between two scenes in Mullholland Drive. 1: The first "behind the diner" scene, and 2: Naomi Watts's psychological breakdown towards the end.

17) Robert Ryan or Richard Widmark?

Uh...

18) Name a movie that inspired you to walk out before it was finished

Solaris

19) Favorite political movie

Wag the Dog

20) Your favorite movie poster, or the one you’d most like to own

Dr Strangelove: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb


21) Jeff Bridges or Jeff Goldblum?

Well, Jeff Bridges has made a lot of bad movies, but Jeff Goldblum would get annoying after a while.... so both. Or neither.

22) Favorite Ken Russell movie

Tommy

23) Accepting the conventional wisdom that 1970-1975 marked a golden age of American filmmaking in which artistic ambition and popular acceptance were not mutually exclusive, what for you was this golden age’s high point? (Could be a movie, a trend, the emergence of a star, whatever)

Al Pacino's rise to fame. Tragically, I still need to see many movies from this period.

24) Grace Kelly or Ava Gardner?

Ava Gardner

25) With total disregard for whether it would ever actually be considered, even in this age of movie recycling, what film exists that you feel might actually warrant a sequel, or would produce a sequel you’d actually be interested in seeing?

Magnolia 2: The Next Day

The Interpretation of Dreams

Q: What happens when during the day you scold your puppy for peeing on the floor, and have an unsatisfied craving for delicious french fries?

A: You have a dream that night about your puppy peeing all over delicious french fries, rendering them useless.

No, no. No need to thank me.

How long do you think it will be before someone makes a movie about a shocking historical secret, known only by a few who tried to pass the knowledge on to mankind by intricately weaving clues into the fabric of designer clothing?

I call it "The Givenchy Code."

You're welcome, World.

Puppy/Pummeled

You're alive and you'd better make the most of it.

My sleeping schedule of late has been erratic at best, so I'm up a little bit earlier in an attempt to ween myself off whatever passes for how I sleep right now. The rub is that I'm quite tired, and the bed looks quite inviting. So I'm doing tis quiz again. Third time's a charm, I suppose.

How does the world see me?
Song: Karma Police
Artist: Radiohead
Comments: The world sees me as some sort of moral authority and pleads with me to solve it's crises. Then it has a shameless breakdown right in front of me.

Will I have a happy life?
Song: Cloud on my Tongue
Artist: Tori Amos
Comments: Hard to say. Someone will refer to me as their "ugly one" which doesn't seem too nice, and then they'll keep telling me that I "can go now" but I'm "already in." My happiness seems to be marred by confusion.

What do my friends really think of me?
Song: One of These Days
Artist: Pink Floyd
Comments: My friends are biding their time. Sooner or later they will dismember me, but I don't think they know when yet, or have an adequate plan for what to do afterwards. There is a definite air of menace though.

Do people secretly lust after me?
Song: All Along the Watchtower
Artist: Dave Matthews Band
Comments: Thinking about political upheaval seems more interesting than thinking about me sexually, so no.

How can I make myself happy?
Song: Jóga
Artist: Bjork
Comments: Though enigmatic, happiness can be found in a panicked state of disaster. Can't argue with that.

What should I do with my life?
Song: One Day
Artist: Bjork
Comments: I should encourage others with metaphors! I'll be a cheerleader!

Why is life full of so much pain?
Song: Sun in My Mouth
Artist: Bjork
Comments: Life is painful because it's hard to decipher and because people keep putting celestial bodies in their orifices.

How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
Song: Seven Years
Artist: Norah Jones
Comments: A seven year old girl?

Will I ever have children?
Song: Alarm Call
Artist: Bjork
Comments: Having children doesn't scare me at all. I will take my children to mountain tops and swear at Buddhists.

Will I die happy?
Song: Heartbreaker
Artist: Led Zeppelin
Comments: No, because I'll be obsessed with a gal. Sorry for not looking below the surface on this one.

What is some good advice for me?
Song: Run Run Run
Artist: Velvet Underground
Comments: Exercise lots. And do drugs. Lots.

What is happiness?
Song: Am I born to Die?
Artist: Tim Erikson
Comments: Pondering the afterlife brings eternal happiness. Or woe. You just kind of have to take your chances.

What is my favourite fetish?
Song: Missing Link
Artist: The Hives
Comments: Stress, pressure, and duress get me off. I can completely see the accuracy of this question.

How will I be remembered?
Song: One Chance
Artist: Modest Mouse
Comments: Not favourably.

Has a cast ever been more tongue-in-cheek?

I haven't read a single interview with the cast of "The DaVinci Code" in which I could not detect a lack of willingness to stand behind the project, or at least joke about it. ie/ Tom Hanks calling the story "hooey," Ian McKellan saying the book should be consoling Catholics because it posits that Jesus was definitely not gay, etc.

Still, it's a good picture.

On board?

I am putting together a character with no redeeming values. The kind of person who says horrible, terrible things and then gets mad that people are offended. He will be in a story in which things change around him, but he himself will not.

In the meantime, I'm working on filming the script posted below with the following cast:

Cathy - Jenny Hazelton

Maggie - Stephie Woolger

Herb - Luke Norton?

Anyone feel like helping me edit it when it's done? (ie/ working their editing program for me while I make various unreasonable requests.) Filming will commence when I have fleshed out the script a little bit, and maybe done a few storyboards.

Location: My living room

Soundtrack: TBA

Let's "book" it!

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next 3 sentences on your blog along with these instructions.
5. Don't dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.

What I found there:

This was her undoing. The monkeys didn't notice her until she was almost upon them. But, because they were talking monkeys, they didn't respond to being startled like the average monkey would.

- Taken from the story "The Man With the Hole in His Head" from the collection At Last There is Nothing Left to Say by Matthew Good

Anything You Like - A Farce by Andrew Root

[A living room. Cathy reads on a couch while Maggie sits in a chair, bored. A stereo plays. Cathy is 36 years old. Maggie is 13.]

Cathy. Can you turn that down?

Maggie. Do you not like it?

Cathy. It's not that. It's just a bit too loud.

Maggie. Sorry.

Cathy. It's okay.

Maggie. I can change it if you want.

Cathy. No, it's fine. I'm just trying to read.

Maggie. Sorry.

Cathy. [sigh] For what?

Maggie. I don't know.

Cathy. Look, it's not a big deal. I was just trying to read and I couldn't quite concentrate.

Maggie. I don't want to disturb you.

Cathy. You're NOT!

Maggie. Are you mad at me?

Cathy. No!

[pause. Maggie turns off the stereo.]

Cathy. Why did you do that?

Maggie. It's bugging you.

Cathy. Fine.

Maggie. Sorry.

Cathy. Why don't you read something?

Maggie. Like what?

Cathy. I don't know. A book.

Maggie. Can you pick one for me?

Cathy. I guess. What do you like?

Maggie. I don't know.

Cathy. What sort of stuff have you read?

Maggie. I don't know.

Cathy. Can you give me a clue?

Maggie. [mumble]

Cathy. Okay. How about this?

Maggie. What is it?

Cathy. It's a book by George Orwell called 1984. It's about the future.

Maggie. Like Star Wars?

Cathy. Not exactly. Do you know what "distopian" means?

[Maggie shakes her head]

Cathy. Do you know what "utopian" means?

[Maggie shakes her head]

Cathy. Do you know what "Fruitopia" is?

Maggie. [nodding, not getting the joke] The juice?

Cathy. Never mind. Distopia is the opposite of utopia which is kind of like paradise.

Maggie. I don't know.

Cathy. Okay, we'll pick something else. Do you like those old Charlie Brown cartoons?

Maggie. I'm not a baby.

Cathy. I didn't say you were.

[Maggie chews a fingernail]

Cathy. I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it.

Maggie. Whatever.

Cathy. You don't have to read you know. You could do anything.

Maggie. Like what?

Cathy. Anything. Want to watch tv?

Maggie. There's nothing on.

Cathy. How do you know? You didn't even turn on the tv.

Maggie. It's Sunday.

Cathy. [pause] So?

Maggie. Sorry.

Cathy. [getting agitated] What for? There's nothing to be sorry for. Don't say you're sorry if there's nothing to be sorry for.

Maggie. Geez...

Cathy. I'm sorry.

Maggie. What for?

Cathy. Well, I'm going to try to finish this chapter. What are you going to do?

Maggie. I don't know.

Cathy. [sighs, puts down book] Do you want to play a game?

[Maggie shrugs]

Cathy. Yes? No?

[Maggie shrugs, then nods almost imperceptibly]

Cathy. Do you want to play Scrabble? Or Battleship? Clue?

[Maggie shrugs]

Cathy. Clue?

[Maggie shrugs]

Cathy. Do you want to play Clue?

[No response]

Cathy. Do you want to play Clue? Or not?

[No response]

Cathy. All I want is a yes or a no. Just a yes or a no. If you want to then we'll play, but if you don't then we'll do something else. What do you think? Do you want to play? Do you want to play the game?

[Maggie shrugs]

Cathy. We don't have to.

Maggie. It's okay.

Cathy. Alright then. Who do you want to be? Ms. Scarlett? Mr. Green?

Maggie. Colonel Mustard.

Cathy. I like him too.

Maggie. You can be him if you want to.

Cathy. No, that's alright. I'll be Professor Plum.

Maggie. I don't have to be him.

Cathy. You're the Colonel and I'm the Professor, ok?

Maggie. Who goes first?

Cathy. I think Ms. Scarlett always goes first, but no one's playing her so I guess we could roll?

Maggie. Okay. [Maggie rolls a 2. Cathy rolls a 1]

Cathy. Whew! That was close.

Maggie. Can I move diagonally?

Cathy. I don't think so.

Maggie. Do you know?

Cathy. Not really. Why don't we play it that way this time?

[pause. Maggie rolls and moves her piece, not moving diagonally.]

Maggie. I didn't make it to the room. Your turn.

Cathy. Why didn't you move diagonally? I thought we were going to play it that way.

[Maggie shrugs]

Cathy. We don't have to play this you know.

Maggie. Fine.

Cathy. What fine? You don't want to play?

Maggie. [shrugs] Doesn't matter.

[pause]

Maggie. Is there anything to eat?

Cathy. Are you hungry?

[Maggie shrugs]

Cathy. I could make us a snack. Do you want a sandwich?

Maggie. I guess.

Cathy. What kind of sandwich do you want?

Maggie. I don't know what we have.

Cathy. Why don't I just make something? I'll just make something and you can have it if you want.

Maggie. 'K.

[pause]

Cathy. Is there anything at all you feel like? At all?

Maggie. Never mind.

Cathy. Don't be like that.

Maggie. Like what?

Cathy. You know what I mean.

Maggie. I'm not being like anything.

Cathy. You know what I mean.

Maggie. [quietly] No I don't.

Cathy. What?

Maggie. I didn't say anything!

Cathy. Just forget it.

Maggie. Fine.

[pause. Cathy sits.]

Maggie. Aren't you going to read?

Cathy. No. I don't really want to anymore.

Maggie. Well what are you going to do?

Cathy. I don't know. Maybe I'll go for a walk.

Maggie. Bye.

Cathy. Do you want to come?

Maggie. I don't know.

Cathy. We could go to the store.

Maggie. What for?

Cathy. I don't know. Just to look around.

Maggie. But why?

Cathy. We don't have to. We could do anything!

[No response]

Cathy. What do you want to do?

Maggie. I don't know.

Cathy. You don't know?

Maggie. Not really.

[Enter Herb. He is 42 years old.]

Herb. Hey guys. [Herb kisses Cathy and sits on the couch] What's going on?

Cathy. Well, we were just deciding if we should go to the store.

Herb. Oh yeah? And what's at the store?

Cathy. We were going to go just to look around. Did you want to come?

Herb. Oh, no thanks. I'm kind of tired.

[Maggie exits without speaking]

Herb. What's up with her?

Cathy. I don't know.

Herb. Are you alright?

Cathy. No. Not really, no.

Herb. What's going on?

Cathy. I'm not sure.

Herb. What happened?

Cathy. I don't know!

Herb. Okay, okay.

Cathy. You're not mad at me are you?

Herb. Am I mad at you? No. Why? Should I be?

Cathy. I don't know.

Herb. Did you want to go to the store? I'll go with you.

Cathy. You don't want to.

Herb. I could go. We need some things.

Cathy. We don't have to go.

Herb. But we could go.

[pause]

Herb. Are you okay?

[Cathy shrugs]

Herb. Do you want some food?

Cathy. No. I'm fine.

Herb. Okay.

[pause. Maggie re-enters]

Maggie. Are we going to the store?

Cathy. Would you like to?

Maggie. [shrugs] I guess.

Cathy. Okay then! I'll get my keys.

Herb. Can you pick up some lightbulbs?

Cathy. Are you not going to come?

Herb. No, I think I'll just stay here.

Maggie. We don't have to go.

Herb. I don't mind. You guys have a good time.

Maggie. We don't have to go and leave you here.

Cathy. That's right. We could keep you company if you'd like.

Herb. No, it's fine. Go. Have fun.

Cathy. Are you sure?

Herb. Positive.

Cathy. Because we could stay if you'd like.

Herb. Just go, ok?

Maggie. Are you mad at us?

Herb. No.

[Maggie leaves suddenly. A slamming door is heard. Herb sighs.]

Cathy. What happened?

Herb. She thinks I'm mad at her.

Cathy. Are you?

Herb. No!

Cathy. Are you mad at me?

Herb. NO!

[pause]

Cathy. What's the matter?

Herb. Nothing's the matter!

Cathy. Okay.

Herb. What happened before I got home?

Cathy. We were talking, that's all.

Herb. What were you talking about?

Cathy. Nothing really.

Herb. Nothing at all?

Cathy. Not really.

Herb. Then what happened?

Cathy. Are you alright? You seem snippy.

Herb. I don't mean to be snippy. [pause] I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be snippy if I was.

Cathy. It's okay.

Herb. I'm just asking.

Cathy. I was just trying to see if she wanted to do anything.

Herb. What did you say?

Cathy. I didn't SAY anything!

Herb. What's wrong?

Cathy. There's nothing wrong!

Herb. What did you say?

Cathy. I just told her she could do anything she likes!

Herb. Okay. And what did she say?

Cathy. She said she didn't want to do anything.

Herb. She did?

Cathy. She didn't really say anything.

[Maggie enters and sits down in the chair, her legs tucked up}

Herb. Hi Sweetie.

Maggie. Hi.

Herb. Did you want something to eat?

[Maggie shrugs]

Herb. Did you want to go to the store?

[Maggie shrugs]

Herb. You don't have to, you know.

Maggie. I know.

Cathy. Sweetie, are you alright?

Maggie. Yes.

Cathy. Really?

Herb. She said she is.

Cathy. Don't-

[pause]

Herb. I'm sorry.

Maggie. Are you fighting?

Herb. No, we're not.

Cathy. We're fine, sweetie.

Herb. We're just fine.

[pause]

Maggie. Can we go out for dinner?

Herb. Sure thing, sweetie. Where do you want to go?

[Maggie shrugs, with a smile]

Herb. How about pizza?

[Maggie shrugs, with a smile and nods]

Herb. Ok. I'll grab my wallet. [Herb puts his hand on Maggie's shoulder as he passes]

Cathy. Can we really afford to be eating out all the time?

Herb. Well, we're not eating out all the time. We're just going out now.

Cathy. It's just expensive.

Maggie. We don't have to go.

Cathy. No, no, honey. We'll go.

Maggie. You don't want to go.

Cathy. No, I do. I do. We'll go. [pause] We'll go.

Herb. Are you sure?

Cathy. Yes. We'll go. It'll be nice.

Herb. Ok then. We'll go. [Herb exits.]

Cathy. Does that sound like fun, sweetie?

Maggie. I guess.

Cathy. Well we don't have to go if you don't want to.

Maggie. It doesn't matter.

Cathy. Why don't you run to the washroom before we go?

[Maggie shrugs and exits. Herb enters with his wallet]

Herb. All set?

Cathy. She doesn't want to go.

Herb. What?

Cathy. She doesn't want to go. I asked her and she said it didn't matter.

Herb. It was her idea.

Cathy. I know!

[Maggie re-enters]

Herb. Hey sweetie. You don't want to go?

Maggie. [a little stunned.] I want to go. [Maggie looks at Cathy & Herb] Do you guys want to go?

Herb. Yeah, let's go!

Cathy. I suppose so.

Maggie. Well we don't have to.

Herb. Let's go. Come on, honey.

Maggie. Are you sure?

Herb. Yep. Off we go! [Cathy silently gathers her purse]

Maggie. Really?

Herb. Yep! Here we go! Okay? Honey?

Cathy. Okay. Anything you like.

[Cathy exits.]

Maggie. Is she alright?

Herb. She's fine. Want to go?

Maggie. Is she mad at me?

Herb. [joking] No. I think she's mad at me.

Maggie. [not getting it] Are you fighting?

Herb. Sweetie, I was kidding.

Maggie. Really?

Herb. Yeah, no problem.

Maggie. Promise?

Herb. Promise. Let's go. Pizza!

Maggie. Okay.

[Cathy re-enters]

Cathy. Are you coming?

Herb. Yep, we're on our way!

Cathy. [laughs] I thought maybe you weren't!

Herb. No, we're right behind you, right Sweetie?

Maggie. Yeah. Right behind you.

Cathy. Ok then! Off we go!

Herb. Off we go!

Maggie. [at the same time] Off we go.

[Cathy, Maggie, & Herb exit. Curtain.]

Listless

Ok, screw it. Waiting around for people to think of the funniest things ever is decidely not funny, so contest is over. Everyone wins in their own special way.

Jenny & I are going to visit her parents for a couple of days and because we're quirky that way we're leaving as soon as she's done work, which is about 3 in the morning. So my plan is to pull an all-nighter tonight, sleep all day tomorrow and be fresh as a goddamn daisy so I can drive at night and Jenny can sleep. Then we'll switch somewhere along the line. So I'm sure I'll be posting quite a bit to keep myself awake tonight. And here is the first of many. It's a list:

Angelo is going to see Radiohead soon. I've decided that rather than be jealous I'm going to buy him a drink when he gets back and let him gush about how awesome the show was so I can live vicariously. Anyone want to join me?

I went to Chapters today because I was bored and ran into Cool Beard Luke and a young woman he introduced as Enigma39 from Xanga. Well, first her real name, which I can't spell so I won't try. She seemed nice. She was wearing a shirt with something written across the front, but I didn't want to stare and seem like a perv. I like to get to know people before I reveal my true pervy nature. Ugh..."pervy." Forget I wrote that word. Luke's beard looks very nice, by the by.

I missed my one year blogserversary! It was May 7th, so to celebrate belatedly I went through the old archives and had a snicker or two. One posting in particular stands out, so here it is:

This guy at the movies tonight - He came up to me at the urinal and said "So I hear this is where all the pricks hang out." I told him that was a terrible joke, and he said "Yeah, but am I right?" So I said "Yeah, I've gotta give you that," and started towards the sink when I heard him say "You cocksucking asshole." In a bemused kind of way I told him not to get nasty to which he replied "I said it to myself," which I guess clears him of all charges.

I was also reminded of watching Revenge of the Sith with Jenny and at the "NNNOOOOOOO!!!!" part she leaned over and said "Well, there goes the Oscar." I love Jenny.

I have dishes upon dishes upon motherfuckin' dishes to do. I know I should do them now because I won't get to them tomorrow and then I'm gone for 3-4 days which will cake the filth on further. Damn. I will do them at the last minute.

I'm going to try to compose something and post it tonight. But first, I will borrow some milk and have cereal.

I swear to god about that butcher's knife.

About 5 1/2 hours ago I put up a notice asking people to call me/come visit me because I was bored. It included my phone #, which some may regard as foolhardy in this modern world of ours, but I don't find particularly troubling. Troubling enough that I'm taking it down now, but not troubling enough that I put it up there in the first place. In either case, here were the results of this posting:

Liz called from Wellend! Yay Liz!

Laura called from Sudbury! See you tomorrow night, Laura!

Natty-Pants expressed her interest in hanging out tonight, though her tyranical working schedule prevented it, so instead she added an entry for the funniest thing ever (which appears below, as I deleted the old message, comments and all.)

Stephie came and watched part of Return of the King.

Resta (from LA) said this:

Andrew,

Without a doubt you are one of the strangest, albeit funniest individuals I have ever read on the internet. Why don’t you throw out your bank account number, credit card numbers and e-mail address as well. Does your mother know what you do? BTW, I sold your phone number to several robo-dial solicitation companies. Hope you don’t mind. R

And to that I say this:

1. Thanks!
2. I have put up my email address before. Go and find it! And if any crook wants to be disappointed that they went to all the trouble of stealing my banking information only to find that I have exactly $1.25 at my disposal, then I invite them to go ahead!
3. I think it's best for all that my mother remains blissfully unaware of many facets of my life.
4. Heck no I don't mind! Hope you got a good price for my number. If all I have to do is say "Take me off your list" and hang up a couple of dozen times for you to have a new pair of Dockers, then it's well worth the effort. Are the kids still wearing dockers these days?

Please keep thinking up the funniest things ever. Predictably, they're funny! And someone who I don't know added one, which is always fun. So go below!

Now I'ma go beddy-bye, but I'm keeping a butcher's axe under the pillow in case any serial killers copied down my number. It's dull and rusty.

Open Challange

Here's the beginnings of a contest.

What is the funniest thing ever?

My entry: People in infomercials using the "old" product.

I love the way these people can't possibly fathom how to use common household items like blenders or get tired out doing everyday things like brushing their teeth. "Arg! Now I've got fruit smoothie all over me! Why is this product SO HARD to use?" "My wrist is tired from chopping this lettuce! If ONLY there was SOME OTHER WAY!" Then they shake their heads at the camera as if to say "Don't let THIS happen to you." As an added bonus, all of these clips are shown in black and white to highlight the outdated techology they are using.

If you can think of something funnier, let me know!

Natty-Pants' entry:

This comes a little late but I now have in my possession, "the funniest thing ever," an e-mail by a former co-worker to my former boss. Don't ask me how I obtained it but the identity of both the employee and employer remain anonymous:

Dear [Name withheld],

I have been tyring to find someone to take my shift for Med-Syd all day today. I dont know if having the "s**ts" is grounds for being excused but i will come to work. I dunno what i had being drunk las nite but i want to goto the washroom every 10 minutes, and then.. nothing =(. I will try my
best to get a doctors note before i come to the office. If my situation becomes unbearable please please excuse me if i call you from work because by then I know i cant even stand straight.

Honestly called everyone and noone is able to come to my aid. I dont want skid marks while im working =( please let me know sooner if you can call. my situation is not getting any better and I dont know how to solve this without consulting you.

Name withheld.

There are more in the comments section! By the way, if anyone knows the code for changing "comments" to something hilarious... like "fannies" please let me know!

A Numerical University Summation (or A.N.U.S.)

The final marks are in. I get to have a diploma!

# of credits earned: 120
# of degrees earned: 1
Highest mark: 92% (Intro to Theatre)
Lowest mark: 53% (Western Lit. 2)
Cumulative GPA: 76.225%
Average 1st Year: 77.8%
Average 2nd Year: 72.3% (-5.5%)
Average 3rd Year: 75.3% (+3%)
Average 4th Year: 80.1% (+4.8%)
Disparity between 1st year and 4th year: +2.3%
Most courses taken in one year: 8

Now the only thing left to decide is whether or not to write a letter which begins as follows:

"Dear Dr. Thomas Gerry,

I cannot, in good conscience, go on letting you believe that you are doing a good job..."

Content. Content?

I've decided that in addition to reading a shit load of books this summer, I'm going to comment on them also. But since I'm not in school anymore and I don't have to, I'm not going to comment in essay format, but rather in reviewette format, as stolen from a certain L.A.-ite, who seems to have had a lot of life experience. I'd like to pick his brain sometime. That was a big sentence followed by a small one.

For my purposes I'm going to try to limit the reviewettes to one sentence. Here goes, for the three books completed so far:

1) V For Vendetta - Shouldn't have expected the movie, but still very pleased with the executions of theme and character.

2) The Wars - Though confusing and slightly ambiguous (as with all Findley) well worth the hype.

3) The DaVinci Code - Reads like a Hardy Boys novel with higher stakes.

More to come! I'm eyes deep in Mrs. Dalloway and Virginia's slapping me around like I'm her bitch, and truthfully, I am. I'll be lucky to make it out of this one with a sense of coherance.

**************************
Some new links (look to your right!):

#1 - THE CAPTAIN HAS RETURNED!!! And DAMN has/is he had/having some epic adventures. It's been an entire year, but your favourite seafaring bucchaneer is back in style and firmly on point. So go there to marvel at his bravado and manliness in the face of Corsican prostitutes.

#2 - The Superficial. It's kind of like People Magazine, but nasty. It's a guilty pleasure, but these good folks capture an acidity about celebrity culture which sometimes eludes me. ie/ A video in which Tom Cruise dances (if you can call it that) ridiculously in front of an adoring crowd carries the following disclaimer: "Just make sure to brace yourself, because the awesomeness of this clip has been known to physically knock people off their feet." I love The Superficial... Because I'm Ugly.

**************************

Here's that 11 secret things for 11 secret people thingy that's been going around like a bad rash. However, instead of causing itching, it causes people to think "Are they talking about me? I hope so/not!" Rest assured: Yes. Before attempting this I had to think long and hard about whether or not I knew 11 people.

Person the First: You, quite seriously, convince me of your stupidity every time I speak to you. You are innane, and you mistake having a reaction with having an opinion. You make thirteen hours out of my week a constant struggle to not rip my arm off and beat you with it. You also (inexplicably) inspire behaviour like your own in others.

Person the Second: You are so smart it's scary. In fact, I've avoided having any sort of intellectual conversation with you, because there are times when it seems like it's more important to you to have an argument (and win it) than to have a conversation. Can you accept criticism? I haven't seen much evidence of it yet.

Person the Third: Quit focussing on it! You'll be much happier! Also, come over for brunch! I'll make quiche, after I learn how to make quiche. We need to talk, drink, and talk some more, more often. You're fun and cool in a way which feels very natural, and not practiced. On some days, I think only of the benefits of being you.

Person the Fourth: I alternate between wanting to wish you good luck and thinking that you won't need it. No matter what I think of the future, I know you'll be fine. You're easy to talk to in that way that makes me wonder if I'll ever meet someone that is that easy to talk to again.

Person the Fifth: I know we need to hang out more, but I suck at being the one to initiate. I also bemoan (almost constantly) my inability to hold a meaningful conversation with you, and the fact that that is my fault. I want to be there for you more often. I will try.

Person the Sixth: You have one of the most interesting faces I've ever seen (in a good way). You also say the most delightfully random things, and whenever we part I feel like the conversation could have gone on for several more hours without losing steam (and that makes me a little sad). However, once in a while I wonder if you keep talking so that I won't ask you questions.

Person the Seventh: Is it possible I have an idealized notion of you in my head and that you're not all I've built you up to be? Absolutely. This line of thinking has caused me to doubt your abilities and your chances of success. I hope more than anything you prove me wrong.

Person the Eighth: You'll be fine. You know why? Because you're strong. You're stronger than you would give yourself credit for in a million years. I'll see you at the top, kiddo.

Person the Ninth: Whatever I find cool or hip, or new you've already discovered about a month ago. Son of a bitch! Just once I'd like to discover something before you! But I probably won't, because you're a brilliant shining star, you bastard.

Person the Tenth: You've got "it" more than anyone else I know. When you're wealthy and powerful and successful I'll be one of those people who keeps telling the story of how I knew you once, and how we shared the stage and you were brilliant and I was good only because you inspired me to be over and over again.

Person the Eleventh: You're great, but you need to calm down and stop being so pushy. I like you just fine. There's no need to "get all up in my face" and make sure. Maybe that's my fault.

Don't bother asking which one is you. I won't tell for less than $20 cash up front.

***************************

The worst song ever writen: "Everybody's Got a Story" by Amanda Marshall. I get angry every time I hear this overproduced piece of garbage. She sings like a discount Christina Aguilera while the band tries to play every single instrument known to man. Seriously, she must need like an eighty piece back-up band to play this song live! The song makes a good point about how appearances can be decieving and how you shouldn't make judgements about people you don't know, but then muddles that message by making vague sexual references, taking shots at Cherry Coke and singing "Ah La La La La La La" over and over and over again ad nauseum (which doesn't take long, I can assure you). And I will never, NEVER forgive her for the following:

Amanda: Your words are like cheap champagne...

Annoying back up girl, looking for her fifteen minutes: CHEAP CHAMPAGNE!

Thank god there was not a "y'all" afterwards. If you can come up with a worse song, I'd love to know about it.

*****************************

And to finish off, I saw the following animals today (discounting the ones I see on a regular basis):

X2

A Promise

Ignoring the fact that I have made lots of promises that I haven't kept...

CONTENT COMING SOON!

Promise. It might even be uplifting!

The least confident quiz ever

1. Where were you 3 hours ago?
Asleep in my comfy comfy bed

2. When is the last time you filled up your gas
A week and a half ago. It's my turn to get it this week.

3. What is the most amount of money you spent in
one store?
Does a mechanic's count as a store?

4. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
Jenny's shirt which proclaims "Pale is the new Tan"

5. When is the last time you went to the mall?
Monday, when the door attacked me and gave me a wicked bruise!

6. Are you wearing socks right now?
Yes, but only because it's chilly in here right now.

7. Do you have a car worth over $5,000?
It's got character and that is priceless.

8. When was the last time you drove out of town?
Long long ago. Possibly christmas.

9. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?
Stephie treated me to United 93, which wasn't as "Good for you America" as I had been led to believe it would be.

10. Are you popular?
I don't even know how to begin answering this question.

11. What was the last thing you had to drink?
Limeade!

12. What was the last thing you mailed in the mail?
I sent Jenny's parents Jenny's t4 a while back. But I really just dropped it in the box. I don't know if that counts.

13. Do you wash your car?
No, but after the car wash killed my poor antennae I think I might reconsider.

14. Last fast food you ate?
Waffle!

15. Where were you last week at this time?
No place special.

16. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
pffft.

17. What bank do you use?
Royal Bank. I demand that my bank only cater to royalty and myself.

18. Do you own any land?
Why would I own land?

19. What do you want to be when you "grow up"?
Not an astronaut, that's for damn sure.

20. Your dream vacation?
Ireland! The guiness factory!

21. Last boat ride you went on?
No flipping idea at all.

22. How old are your parents?
Papa is 57, Mama is 54

23. Are you in love?
Persnaps.....

24. Do you have any single friends?
Yes.... why?

25. Last play you saw?
Little Shop of Horrors

26. Have you been to New York?
Yep! A guy asked if I wanted to buy a rolex out of a garbage bag!

27. What are your plans for tonight?
Free as a bird. Something that doesn't involve money at all.

28. Last concert you went to?
The White Stripes!

29. Next trip you are going to take?
Lollapalooza?

30. Ever go to camp?
When I was petite.

31. Were you an honor roll student in school?
You bet your fuckin' ass I was!

32. What is your current GPA?
76.something.

33. Are you wearing any perfume or cologne?
Nope, I just smell this good naturally.

34. Are you Hungry?
No, I just ate a waffle!

35. Where is your best friend(s) located?
In my apartment, across the hall from my apartment, Arnley St, and York/Welland.

36. Do you own a cowboy hat?
Jesus Christ, no.

37. Do you have a tan?
Pale is the new tan.

38. How old do you want to be when you have kids?
Old enough to know better.

39. Do you collect anything?
dust.

40. Is this quiz annoying?
Self conscious? Did I spell that right?

41. Last time you got pulled over?
Sunday night. Stupid jerky police officer. JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE IN A UNIFORM DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE TO LAUGH AT YOUR STUPID JOKES!!!

42. Ever been arrested?
No, but a cop once told me that I couldn't sit on the steps of a church.

43. Been to Mexico for Spring Break?
No, I prefer to vacation somewhere I can drink the water.

44. Do you like hot sauce?
Not really. I like the feeling in my tongue.

45. Last time you had sex?
I'm guessing nobody's even reading the quiz at this point, but if you are, NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!

46. Do you need to do laundry?
Shit yes, but a lack of quarters is preventing me. Luckily I did the HELL out of the laundry last time, so I've got a stockpile.

47. How many friends do you have?
People count?

48. Are you someone's best friend?
I reckon.

49. Are you rich?
See answers 3, 7, 16, 18, 27, & 46. THEN BUY ME LUNCH!

50. What are you thinking right this minute?
What AM I going to do tonight?

Red Hair with a curl?

Congrats to Jack White and Karen Elson who just had their first baby! (Well, it was more Karen than Jack, but you get the idea).

A baby girl named (get this) Scarlett.

So to recap:

Jack White (Incredibly pale, black hair)
+
Karen Elson (Incredibly pale, red hair)
=
Scarlett White (possible albino, black hair with red streaks?)

"Free Tibet!" "I'll take it!"

Seriously, go to iTunes right the fuck now, and you can download FOR FREE an acoustic version of "Steady as She Goes" the Raconteurs' first single. As a bonus to this bonus, you can hear Jack start laughing towards the end of the song.

FREE! FREE!


FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!



It's FREE! What have you got to lose?

I want to ride my....

Jenny, being the sweetie-noogin that she is, for my graduation bought me a bicycle! What a sweetie-noogin! May all of you find a sweetie-noogin as sweet as this noogin... is. Now wipe the vomit off your chin and listen up! It looks basically like this:



except it's blue! AND AWESOME! I mean, it's got WHITE WALLS! and FENDERS! And springs under the seat!! Tonight I took it for it's inaugural ride around town. I slapped on the ol' iPod into random mode and rode out to Science north to the tune of:

1) Unravel (String Quartet Version) - Bjork
2) Woman King - Iron & Wine
3) So Much to Say/Anyone Seen the Bridge (live) - Dave Matthews Band
4) Evolve - Ani DiFranco
5) Tick - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
6) Weapon (soundtrack) - Matthew Good ---> Now at Science North!!
7) Turn a Square - The Shins
8) This Old House - Loretta Lynn
9) Painter Song - Norah Jones
10) High Hopes - Pink Floyd
11) Many Meetings - Howard Shore

So my legs feel like jelly and my heart is screaming at me. It was fun! And in time my heart will accept the change and learn to keep up, and if not I'll be dead on the side of the road. Let's hope I can adapt!

The moral of the story is: Get a bike! They're awesome! Or at least get a Jenny. She's a sweetie-noogin.



Right now Jenny is thinking "I certainly am enjoying this Harvey's Cuisine! I hope no one sneaks up and tries to take a bite! I'LL CRUSH THEM!"

There's a lot going on below the surface. IT'S IN HER EYES!

Le Sigh

Ladies and Gentlemen, Liz has left the building. I'm not sure whether to be sad because she's gone or happy because she escaped the choking atmosphere of Sludgebury. Whatever the case, I hope she comes back for a visit.

In other news, I finished the DaVinci Code, which was pretty good, albiet unbearably cheesy at points, and not as much to do with Leonardo as I had hoped. That makes 3 books in 12 days, or one book every 4 days since school ended. I have another to add to the list:

Faust by Goethe.

Here are some pictures:


Faust is thinking "Damn, she's foxy!"


Amelie is thinking "He's crazy.... like a fox?"


Audrey is thinking "Is this what Seymour really thinks of me?"

Find the connections and I'll tell you where the Holy Grail is.

But what to read next? It seems like Mrs. Dalloway might up on dek simply because of it's availablity (ie/ it's sitting in the next room, and none of the other books are).

Why do I write when I have nothing to say?